Remember that phrase...."Tis the season to be jolly?" You know, in the "fa-la-la-la-la" Christmas song? I was thinking today that, while many people enjoy this time of year, there are many, many others who find that this time of year is not so, well, "jolly." As everything around us is screaming for us to be happy (the decorations, the music, the craziness of it all), many people start feeling isolated and alone in their pain (after all, it's bad enough to feel sad or down about something....it is even worse when everyone is all jolly around you). Sadly, Christmas can rub salt in the wounds of grief, stress, financial strain, relational issues, etc etc.... For many, Christmas can be a marker of yet another year of pain.....
But I don't think this whole season is necessarily supposed to be about happiness and being "jolly." I think there is a side of Christmas that is a bit more "un-jolly?"--a side of the holiday that connects deeply with our suffering....and that is the season of Advent. We talk about Christmas as though it is this entire season--but really, in it's purest definition, Christmas is December 25th. Everything else leading up to the 25th is actually the Season of Advent.
And Advent is about waiting....but not waiting, like, for a bus...but the kind of waiting that is consumed with intense longing......
Advent is about the longing for Christ, the Messiah. Longing for the one thing that will triumph over pain and suffering. Longing for the hope that has been promised. Many people might say, "well, hey, Jesus was born...so the wait is over and we should all be happy!"
Yes...and No. Advent recalls a time before Christ was born - we remember how Christ's birth was anticipated.... and we can be filled with joy and hope that Christ was born! but Advent is also a time for us to remember that we are, now, waiting for Christ's return - we are waiting, with longing, for sin and suffering to be completely removed from our vocabulary.
So, to all those who feel some (or a lot) of pain this season - I want to encourage you that this is YOUR season! This season isn't meant for the blissfully happy, "I-have-got-it-all-together" kind of people...this season is for the sick, the broken hearted, the weary.... This season recognizes the hurt and pain and loneliness and longing that you feel. This season of Advent recognizes that we are still, in some ways, waiting....
But the beauty of Advent is that it finds its resolution in Christmas. Christ has come and Christ will come again. Christ has the final word in our suffering. Christmas reminds us to, even in our pain, wait with expectant hope because Christ IS coming.
If you are feeling sad or lonely or lost this Advent/Christmas season - remember that Christ has come that you might have life...and have it to the full..Christmas celebrates this fact. And take joy and comfort in that. But remember that His work is on-going and, at this time, there is still suffering in this world because there is still sin in this world. But just as God was in complete control of the timing of Christ's birth - He is in complete control of the timing of His return and the final end to sin's presence in our lives. God has this crazy world fully in his control. So even in your pain and sadness, know that it all fits within an eternal framework of hope and peace....and we may have to wait now for complete relief....but the end of the story has already been written. Christ was born and He is coming again.... "Come thou long expected Jesus....."
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Norah Marie
I always enjoy hearing the "labor stories" of my friends and, to be honest, I think I want to write about our recent labor and delivery just because I need to process it...because it all happened so quickly. So, if you hate hearing labor stories, don't read this post. =)
In many ways, my labor story isn't dramatic or exciting. I have no "war stories" from the experience. When I was leaving the labor and delivery wing to go over to the recovery wing, my nurse told me I was "text book" and could come back any time! But even though the story isn't dramatic, it is beautiful. It is beautiful because we were witness to one of (in my opinion) the greatest miracles you can ever imagine (ie..a baby coming out of your body...eeek!!) And it is beautiful because the whole story is filled with answered prayer.
Let me back up a minute and share briefly about my experience with labor and delivery....
When I had Levi, I think I had a somewhat typical "first baby" experience. The labor wasn't any better or worse than this time around but delivery was much harder. Levi was bigger, I was a first time mom, and, well, he came out like a shot (it is never good when everyone starts yelling "stop" to a pushing mom). So, at the end of the day, I had a bit of repair work. The physical pain after delivery was so incredible I still cringe when I think of it... in many ways, it was traumatic. I also struggled with breast feeding in the early weeks and developed several issues there...and, to top it all off, I had NO idea what I was doing with a newborn! To say that my "joy" of being a mom was decreased is a bit of an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Levi and could not get enough of him...but the whole experience had worn me down and stole some of the enjoyment from those precious first moments and weeks with my son.
Coming into this labor and delivery, I had some obvious concerns. I was about half way through this pregnancy when I started telling people I really, really wanted to have a C-section! I had seen girls bounce back WAY faster with a C-section than I had with Levi, so I decided to hope for a breach baby or something. I also struggled with the idea that God could, if He wanted to, make my delivery pain free - should I be praying for that? Even when the Bible is very clear that we still live in a fallen world with pain and suffering....who am I to pray for pain free delivery? What point does that have besides, well, being pain free? So I got kind of messed up in the whole "what should I even be praying for here" idea...
I finally started getting a peace towards the end of my pregnancy.... I felt that I did not need to pray for pain free delivery. I do not need to treat God like a vending machine where I "put in": enough faith and I "get out" my specific demand. I also felt like I did not need to have a C section. Instead, I felt confident in praying for joy. After all, scripture is full of joyful, suffering people. It is full of examples of the Lord's strength in our weakness. This entire experience of labor and delivery is NOT about me and what I demand...it is about bringing praise to God who created life within me and is bringing that life into the world. It is about HIS miracle...and if I was going to be so present in His work, I wanted to be joyful in it! (even if I was in horrible pain). So, I turned the details of labor and delivery over to God. I asked for joy and health and told Him to make the other decisions. (although I do remember saying that I would not mind, at all, a less painful experience!)
So with those struggles settled in my mind, I woke up last Friday morning to cramping and a thought that, "this could be the day." In light of the fact that I perhaps had a "deadline," I started doing stuff around the house. I finished up dishes, called the Dr to get Levi an appointment (because I was positive he had an ear infection), and drove to Babies R US to buy a few last minute essentials. I made sure to treat myself to DD coffee...and I definitely shaved my legs. Throughout the day the contractions kept getting stronger and closer. I called my mom to put them on "stand by" and took Levi to the doctor (got him an anti biotic) and called Dan to tell him maybe he should not be the "late person" that night at work. We did an early dinner out (in which I became CLEARLY aware that this baby was definitely coming) and called my parents to say, "come on up!"
I spent the rest of the evening laboring at home and, about 45mins after my parents arrived, called the hospital to say I was coming in because I was most definitely going to have a baby! I got all excited and worked up and felt like everyone should be as excited as me!! Therefore, I was a little off-put when I arrived in LD and the nursing staff totally acted like I was there because I was dehydrated. News Flash - I am ALWAYS dehydrated. But that didn't seem to make the nurses care too much. I labored quietly in the monitoring room (trying not to be dramatic...and seeeething at the male nurse who was seriously acting like I wasn't in labor) and I drank my water that they gave me....waiting....
Finally a resident came in to check me. SURPRISE! I am super dilated and effaced! This discovery gains me the golden key to a room of my own and the words "well, you ARE going to have a baby tonight!" from the resident. Thanks. I know.
So because everyone was dawdling around...it was now after 10:30pm and I was told that I missed the anesthesiologist who just went in for a C section. So I was told I would have to wait an hour or more for my epidural. Not cool. I LOVED my epidural with Levi and had been counting down the minutes until I could get mine and start snoozing. So I took some Stadol instead. That stuff was funny! I was rational enough to know that I was loopy...which made me laugh and seem loopier. I could totally still feel the pain of contractions but it was like I just didn't care as much.
As the stadol wore off, the anesthesia people were finally ready for me. I got my epidural (not as amazing as my last one)...but TOTALLY helpful. I was able to relax and Dan drifted off into a deep sleep (snoring and everything). I had some final moments of quiet to pray again about the delivery that was about to happen. All I wanted at that moment was my daughter - even if I had to go through the same or more pain than I did with Levi. I just wanted her and I wanted her to be okay. And I again prayed for Joy.
Just before 3am I had a feeling (not a physical one..because the guy who did the epidural completely numbed me) It was more like I was just ready, and I knew it. And then I saw some blood "down there." In hind-sight I should not have been surprised...I mean, this whole experience is not "clean." But, for some reason, I was really surprised by this discovery and so I did what seemed appropriate: I started yelling....which woke Dan up from his blissful sleep with quite a start. I definitely laugh out loud when thinking of this moment because Dan clearly had that "I have no clue what is going on...but my wife is screaming so I should be super frantic" type look. He was the one who finally found the remote with the call button on it and rang for the nurse. The nurse sauntered in with the resident (clearly not as worked up as me) and said cheerfully, "we wondered when you would ring for us to tell us you were ready." I mumbled something about being completely numb but I am not sure they heard. They assured me that I was not bleeding to death and said that they should call the attending immediately. Well, the attending barely made it in time...I started pushing at 3:01am and Norah Marie Thrush was born at 3:03am! 3 pushes!! (and they were not even crazy hard pushes!!) Our sweet baby was snuggled onto my skin and I held her for a long time - looking at her in total amazement. How does this happen? Really? How does this life develop so completely and perfectly...fingers, toes, hair, eye lashes...? She was 6lbs 4oz of pure perfectness! And she was healthy and vibrant! (and she still is!!)
They said that I had a small 2nd degree tear along one of my previous scars.... but I can say that I have barely felt a thing. I kept waiting for something to "wear off" and feel that horrible pain, but it never came. I also felt energized and crazy excited. And most of all, I felt this total sense of JOY! I was not overwhelmed or worried or traumatized...I was Joyful! Some people may say that this is a "typical" 2nd baby experience...that my joy is because I was not in such pain or because I didn't have to push as long or because I am a more confident mom. That all may be true in part, but this overwhelming joy is from the Lord... because I am still tired, I did have a bit of pain to deal with, I am trying to adjust to being Levi's mommy AND being Norah's mommy....and, hey, I still have hormones that are going crazy. Yet my joy has remained so steady. I know that we will have hard times....long nights...looonger days when I am home alone with two kids...but I can say that God has been so good to us and He has given so much joy. So, my labor story, to me, is very exciting...and encouraging....and, hopefully, glorifying to God.
In many ways, my labor story isn't dramatic or exciting. I have no "war stories" from the experience. When I was leaving the labor and delivery wing to go over to the recovery wing, my nurse told me I was "text book" and could come back any time! But even though the story isn't dramatic, it is beautiful. It is beautiful because we were witness to one of (in my opinion) the greatest miracles you can ever imagine (ie..a baby coming out of your body...eeek!!) And it is beautiful because the whole story is filled with answered prayer.
Let me back up a minute and share briefly about my experience with labor and delivery....
When I had Levi, I think I had a somewhat typical "first baby" experience. The labor wasn't any better or worse than this time around but delivery was much harder. Levi was bigger, I was a first time mom, and, well, he came out like a shot (it is never good when everyone starts yelling "stop" to a pushing mom). So, at the end of the day, I had a bit of repair work. The physical pain after delivery was so incredible I still cringe when I think of it... in many ways, it was traumatic. I also struggled with breast feeding in the early weeks and developed several issues there...and, to top it all off, I had NO idea what I was doing with a newborn! To say that my "joy" of being a mom was decreased is a bit of an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Levi and could not get enough of him...but the whole experience had worn me down and stole some of the enjoyment from those precious first moments and weeks with my son.
Coming into this labor and delivery, I had some obvious concerns. I was about half way through this pregnancy when I started telling people I really, really wanted to have a C-section! I had seen girls bounce back WAY faster with a C-section than I had with Levi, so I decided to hope for a breach baby or something. I also struggled with the idea that God could, if He wanted to, make my delivery pain free - should I be praying for that? Even when the Bible is very clear that we still live in a fallen world with pain and suffering....who am I to pray for pain free delivery? What point does that have besides, well, being pain free? So I got kind of messed up in the whole "what should I even be praying for here" idea...
I finally started getting a peace towards the end of my pregnancy.... I felt that I did not need to pray for pain free delivery. I do not need to treat God like a vending machine where I "put in": enough faith and I "get out" my specific demand. I also felt like I did not need to have a C section. Instead, I felt confident in praying for joy. After all, scripture is full of joyful, suffering people. It is full of examples of the Lord's strength in our weakness. This entire experience of labor and delivery is NOT about me and what I demand...it is about bringing praise to God who created life within me and is bringing that life into the world. It is about HIS miracle...and if I was going to be so present in His work, I wanted to be joyful in it! (even if I was in horrible pain). So, I turned the details of labor and delivery over to God. I asked for joy and health and told Him to make the other decisions. (although I do remember saying that I would not mind, at all, a less painful experience!)
So with those struggles settled in my mind, I woke up last Friday morning to cramping and a thought that, "this could be the day." In light of the fact that I perhaps had a "deadline," I started doing stuff around the house. I finished up dishes, called the Dr to get Levi an appointment (because I was positive he had an ear infection), and drove to Babies R US to buy a few last minute essentials. I made sure to treat myself to DD coffee...and I definitely shaved my legs. Throughout the day the contractions kept getting stronger and closer. I called my mom to put them on "stand by" and took Levi to the doctor (got him an anti biotic) and called Dan to tell him maybe he should not be the "late person" that night at work. We did an early dinner out (in which I became CLEARLY aware that this baby was definitely coming) and called my parents to say, "come on up!"
I spent the rest of the evening laboring at home and, about 45mins after my parents arrived, called the hospital to say I was coming in because I was most definitely going to have a baby! I got all excited and worked up and felt like everyone should be as excited as me!! Therefore, I was a little off-put when I arrived in LD and the nursing staff totally acted like I was there because I was dehydrated. News Flash - I am ALWAYS dehydrated. But that didn't seem to make the nurses care too much. I labored quietly in the monitoring room (trying not to be dramatic...and seeeething at the male nurse who was seriously acting like I wasn't in labor) and I drank my water that they gave me....waiting....
Finally a resident came in to check me. SURPRISE! I am super dilated and effaced! This discovery gains me the golden key to a room of my own and the words "well, you ARE going to have a baby tonight!" from the resident. Thanks. I know.
So because everyone was dawdling around...it was now after 10:30pm and I was told that I missed the anesthesiologist who just went in for a C section. So I was told I would have to wait an hour or more for my epidural. Not cool. I LOVED my epidural with Levi and had been counting down the minutes until I could get mine and start snoozing. So I took some Stadol instead. That stuff was funny! I was rational enough to know that I was loopy...which made me laugh and seem loopier. I could totally still feel the pain of contractions but it was like I just didn't care as much.
As the stadol wore off, the anesthesia people were finally ready for me. I got my epidural (not as amazing as my last one)...but TOTALLY helpful. I was able to relax and Dan drifted off into a deep sleep (snoring and everything). I had some final moments of quiet to pray again about the delivery that was about to happen. All I wanted at that moment was my daughter - even if I had to go through the same or more pain than I did with Levi. I just wanted her and I wanted her to be okay. And I again prayed for Joy.
Just before 3am I had a feeling (not a physical one..because the guy who did the epidural completely numbed me) It was more like I was just ready, and I knew it. And then I saw some blood "down there." In hind-sight I should not have been surprised...I mean, this whole experience is not "clean." But, for some reason, I was really surprised by this discovery and so I did what seemed appropriate: I started yelling....which woke Dan up from his blissful sleep with quite a start. I definitely laugh out loud when thinking of this moment because Dan clearly had that "I have no clue what is going on...but my wife is screaming so I should be super frantic" type look. He was the one who finally found the remote with the call button on it and rang for the nurse. The nurse sauntered in with the resident (clearly not as worked up as me) and said cheerfully, "we wondered when you would ring for us to tell us you were ready." I mumbled something about being completely numb but I am not sure they heard. They assured me that I was not bleeding to death and said that they should call the attending immediately. Well, the attending barely made it in time...I started pushing at 3:01am and Norah Marie Thrush was born at 3:03am! 3 pushes!! (and they were not even crazy hard pushes!!) Our sweet baby was snuggled onto my skin and I held her for a long time - looking at her in total amazement. How does this happen? Really? How does this life develop so completely and perfectly...fingers, toes, hair, eye lashes...? She was 6lbs 4oz of pure perfectness! And she was healthy and vibrant! (and she still is!!)
They said that I had a small 2nd degree tear along one of my previous scars.... but I can say that I have barely felt a thing. I kept waiting for something to "wear off" and feel that horrible pain, but it never came. I also felt energized and crazy excited. And most of all, I felt this total sense of JOY! I was not overwhelmed or worried or traumatized...I was Joyful! Some people may say that this is a "typical" 2nd baby experience...that my joy is because I was not in such pain or because I didn't have to push as long or because I am a more confident mom. That all may be true in part, but this overwhelming joy is from the Lord... because I am still tired, I did have a bit of pain to deal with, I am trying to adjust to being Levi's mommy AND being Norah's mommy....and, hey, I still have hormones that are going crazy. Yet my joy has remained so steady. I know that we will have hard times....long nights...looonger days when I am home alone with two kids...but I can say that God has been so good to us and He has given so much joy. So, my labor story, to me, is very exciting...and encouraging....and, hopefully, glorifying to God.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Time Flies
It is Friday evening and I can not believe that we are almost done with our time in Moldova! I am very much ready to see Dan and Levi, but I am also starting to feel sad that I will have to say goodbye to my students and our host family. It seems like we get to know them more each day and feel more and more comfortable.... I was talking with a couple of my students at lunch and we were just discussing how, even though we may be from other cultures, we share so much in common just because we are Christians. In some ways, it is like visiting family--family you have never met before but know that you have such deep things in common with them. It is truly wonderful to see the Church in Moldova and see the passion my students have for their ministries.
Classes have been going well and the students are preparing to take their final exam tomorrow. I have tried to make a fair final but I understand that this week was information overload for some of them. I have realized how much professors really do want their students to do well....at least, I have realized how much I am rooting for my students!!
Mom is doing well - she got to "teach" and English class and had SO much fun. She also participated in another English class which was also a blast. I told her she has found her second calling--to be an ESL teacher. =) Maybe it will be something she gets more involved in at home....or maybe she will even come back to Moldova sometime! The students really seemed to like her and many of them even stayed late to keep talking with her!
We have both been healthy and, so far, safe (even though driving here in the city is a little, um, disorganized!). We spend the night here on Saturday and then we will go to the airport on Sunday morning...our flight is at 1. We have a layover in Munich but only for an hour and a half or so...then it is on to Newark. So, a big travel day...but I know that, once I am on the plane, I will be SO ready to just get home. Please continue to pray for health and safety and for good travel on Sunday. I can't wait to share more when we are back. Right now, it is getting to be about bedtime so I must sign off!!
Classes have been going well and the students are preparing to take their final exam tomorrow. I have tried to make a fair final but I understand that this week was information overload for some of them. I have realized how much professors really do want their students to do well....at least, I have realized how much I am rooting for my students!!
Mom is doing well - she got to "teach" and English class and had SO much fun. She also participated in another English class which was also a blast. I told her she has found her second calling--to be an ESL teacher. =) Maybe it will be something she gets more involved in at home....or maybe she will even come back to Moldova sometime! The students really seemed to like her and many of them even stayed late to keep talking with her!
We have both been healthy and, so far, safe (even though driving here in the city is a little, um, disorganized!). We spend the night here on Saturday and then we will go to the airport on Sunday morning...our flight is at 1. We have a layover in Munich but only for an hour and a half or so...then it is on to Newark. So, a big travel day...but I know that, once I am on the plane, I will be SO ready to just get home. Please continue to pray for health and safety and for good travel on Sunday. I can't wait to share more when we are back. Right now, it is getting to be about bedtime so I must sign off!!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
First Day of Teaching!
Hello again!
Well, we are in Moldova! Our flight from Munich was boring (which is the best kind of flight, in my opinion) and we landed a little behind schedule in Chisinau on Friday (lunchtime). We walked out of the baggage area and I immediately saw a man standing nearby holding a sign that said "Karen Thrush." I took that as a pretty clear sign that he was there to pick us up! The man holding the sign was Victor and he and his wife are hosting us in their city apartment. They have three lovely girls who are the sweetest....ages 18, 13, and 6. The 6 year old is more adorable than can be described and I think she has connected with the "grandma" in my mom. They have played quite a bit today despite the language barrier...but I guess playing tea and dolls is an international language in itself.
Anyways, after hopping into Victors car at the airport we took a wild ride to the college. I am not sure which was more fun...seeing the life of the city around me or watching my mom experience Eastern European driving. =)
At the school we had a very nice lunch waiting for us and then we met some other administrators and workers...we also figured out a way to get my computer hooked up to the internet since it was not finding the wireless. Then we came home to Victor's apartment to meet the family and have a lovely dinner. I am in love with these stuffed cabbage things...I want to learn to make them....they are amazing. (and Victor's wife reheated some more for me today because she saw how much I loved them...haha...I guess I don't stay quiet about good food). But really, every bit of food that she has made so far has been outstanding. I must admit, I am looking forward to meal times this week.
After getting a great night's sleep I woke up this morning ready for class to start! I got dressed, ate a tasty breakfast, gathered up my gear and headed into the school....and then we waited...and no one came! And then we realized the students were all waiting for me in another room! So...after a little hiccup, the students settled into my classroom and we got started. And,really, I think we had a great day! First of all, my translator is AMAZING! Secondly, many of the students do speak some English. 3rd, I had the perfect amount of information prepared for the class so we ended right on time, and 4thly I was able to get lively discussion going which (as many of you know) is one of my favorite things to do...I love to get people thinking and engaging with material and I think that happened a bit today even though some of the material is a bit dry. In thinking back on how great today went...it is CLEAR that I have a whole team of people praying for me. And, even though I am missing Levi and Dan so much, it was clear that this is the place for me right now....that these students are hungry for more knowledge and training to be effective in their ministries. And, let me tell you, they are in some tough ministries! I was blessed with the chance to talk with a few girls during lunch and hear more about their life and work. They are tough cookies who serve the Lord with their whole heart....it is a pleasure to serve them in this way.
So, now it is almost 10pm on Saturday evening and I am getting ready to turn the light off and call it a day. I look forward to church tomorrow (victor is preaching) and spending time with the family on the Sabbath. I am sure I will need to do some prep for the week to come because it is going to be intense! Please keep me in your prayers as I will be teaching from 9-4pm each day. Also, continue to pray for health and safety and for my mom as she builds relationships with the family and finds things to do around the school (one teacher has already asked her to take over his English class this week...haha....seriously).
I will continue to post as time allows and I feel comfort in knowing that we have so much support!
K
Well, we are in Moldova! Our flight from Munich was boring (which is the best kind of flight, in my opinion) and we landed a little behind schedule in Chisinau on Friday (lunchtime). We walked out of the baggage area and I immediately saw a man standing nearby holding a sign that said "Karen Thrush." I took that as a pretty clear sign that he was there to pick us up! The man holding the sign was Victor and he and his wife are hosting us in their city apartment. They have three lovely girls who are the sweetest....ages 18, 13, and 6. The 6 year old is more adorable than can be described and I think she has connected with the "grandma" in my mom. They have played quite a bit today despite the language barrier...but I guess playing tea and dolls is an international language in itself.
Anyways, after hopping into Victors car at the airport we took a wild ride to the college. I am not sure which was more fun...seeing the life of the city around me or watching my mom experience Eastern European driving. =)
At the school we had a very nice lunch waiting for us and then we met some other administrators and workers...we also figured out a way to get my computer hooked up to the internet since it was not finding the wireless. Then we came home to Victor's apartment to meet the family and have a lovely dinner. I am in love with these stuffed cabbage things...I want to learn to make them....they are amazing. (and Victor's wife reheated some more for me today because she saw how much I loved them...haha...I guess I don't stay quiet about good food). But really, every bit of food that she has made so far has been outstanding. I must admit, I am looking forward to meal times this week.
After getting a great night's sleep I woke up this morning ready for class to start! I got dressed, ate a tasty breakfast, gathered up my gear and headed into the school....and then we waited...and no one came! And then we realized the students were all waiting for me in another room! So...after a little hiccup, the students settled into my classroom and we got started. And,really, I think we had a great day! First of all, my translator is AMAZING! Secondly, many of the students do speak some English. 3rd, I had the perfect amount of information prepared for the class so we ended right on time, and 4thly I was able to get lively discussion going which (as many of you know) is one of my favorite things to do...I love to get people thinking and engaging with material and I think that happened a bit today even though some of the material is a bit dry. In thinking back on how great today went...it is CLEAR that I have a whole team of people praying for me. And, even though I am missing Levi and Dan so much, it was clear that this is the place for me right now....that these students are hungry for more knowledge and training to be effective in their ministries. And, let me tell you, they are in some tough ministries! I was blessed with the chance to talk with a few girls during lunch and hear more about their life and work. They are tough cookies who serve the Lord with their whole heart....it is a pleasure to serve them in this way.
So, now it is almost 10pm on Saturday evening and I am getting ready to turn the light off and call it a day. I look forward to church tomorrow (victor is preaching) and spending time with the family on the Sabbath. I am sure I will need to do some prep for the week to come because it is going to be intense! Please keep me in your prayers as I will be teaching from 9-4pm each day. Also, continue to pray for health and safety and for my mom as she builds relationships with the family and finds things to do around the school (one teacher has already asked her to take over his English class this week...haha....seriously).
I will continue to post as time allows and I feel comfort in knowing that we have so much support!
K
Thursday, April 19, 2012
1 Flight down....1 to go!
We had a great train ride from Harrisburg to Newark airport...followed by a smooth flight to Munich. Mom and I are staying at a hotel right at the airport (which was SO nice) and so we got right into our hotel room, refreshed ourselves, and dropped off our luggage. Now, we will head into the city to see a few sights and get some lunch....and dinner....and then come back to the hotel for an early bedtime. =) I can not wait to sleep in a bed rather than a plane seat! Our flight out of Munich is around 9ish tomorrow morning (3am US time). And hopefully we will find someone waiting for us at the airport in Moldova! =)
Friday, January 27, 2012
How's it going?
"There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well""
Chris Tomlin - "I Will Rise"
A lot of people have been asking me how we are doing--how am I feeling physically and how are we doing emotionally. That is a hard question (sort of). Physically, I am feeling great. In fact, because the pregnancy hormones are finally out of my system, I feel more energized and perfectly healthy (no morning sickness etc). This is such a blessing because it helps me get moving during the day and I feel like I am able to accomplish things again. I also have more energy to play with Levi who is so much fun! Dan is also over his sickness and feeling better - so, yeah, physically we are GREAT!
Emotionally. humm, I have had a hard time explaining this one. However, this morning during breakfast, Levi and I were listening to Chris Tomlin's cd, "Hello Love," and heard the song "I Will Rise." The song starts out with the above quoted lyrics and I really connected with them - I felt my heart say, "THIS is how you are doing!" Grieving with hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) is a strange feeling because, on one hand, I have been experiencing the effects of normal loss and grief; yet, on the other hand, I don't feel totally overwhelmed with sadness. I have experienced so many moments of joy during this whole process, excitement for the future, hope of what is yet to come, and peace - accepting what has happened for what it is. And yet, I sometimes have trouble sleeping at night; I still cry when I think about not meeting our little one this summer; I fight bitterness and anger and have, on a few occasions, gone down the "why me, what did I do to deserve this?" path. It is weird to have all these feelings mixed together, but that is how it is. So when people ask me, "How are you doing?" it can be difficult to respond--after all, I am healing....but I guess, even though the physical world still leaves me with pangs of sadness, my soul is anchored in a safe and quiet harbor and I can say, "It is well......I am well."
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well""
Chris Tomlin - "I Will Rise"
A lot of people have been asking me how we are doing--how am I feeling physically and how are we doing emotionally. That is a hard question (sort of). Physically, I am feeling great. In fact, because the pregnancy hormones are finally out of my system, I feel more energized and perfectly healthy (no morning sickness etc). This is such a blessing because it helps me get moving during the day and I feel like I am able to accomplish things again. I also have more energy to play with Levi who is so much fun! Dan is also over his sickness and feeling better - so, yeah, physically we are GREAT!
Emotionally. humm, I have had a hard time explaining this one. However, this morning during breakfast, Levi and I were listening to Chris Tomlin's cd, "Hello Love," and heard the song "I Will Rise." The song starts out with the above quoted lyrics and I really connected with them - I felt my heart say, "THIS is how you are doing!" Grieving with hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) is a strange feeling because, on one hand, I have been experiencing the effects of normal loss and grief; yet, on the other hand, I don't feel totally overwhelmed with sadness. I have experienced so many moments of joy during this whole process, excitement for the future, hope of what is yet to come, and peace - accepting what has happened for what it is. And yet, I sometimes have trouble sleeping at night; I still cry when I think about not meeting our little one this summer; I fight bitterness and anger and have, on a few occasions, gone down the "why me, what did I do to deserve this?" path. It is weird to have all these feelings mixed together, but that is how it is. So when people ask me, "How are you doing?" it can be difficult to respond--after all, I am healing....but I guess, even though the physical world still leaves me with pangs of sadness, my soul is anchored in a safe and quiet harbor and I can say, "It is well......I am well."
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Our Grief - His Comfort
I honestly wasn't planning on blogging about the miscarriage that Dan and I experienced just this past week. I have heard many people discuss the comfort that comes in keeping this grief quiet and within a confined circle of family and friends. And I can definitely see the value in that. However, I think I am wired a little differently. I process out loud and I find rest in getting my thoughts out on the table; like the kind of feeling you have when you finally let go of a heavy secret. And for some reason, not letting others know about the miscarriage left me feeling like I had a dark secret, something hidden. And feeling like this has definitely not helped the grief process. No, I want people to know about the miscarriage--not so that we can be pitied (although the comfort we have received from others has been greatly appreciated) but so this tiny little life that has lived and died can be known in some small way to others...and to know a life existed, to me, is a way to honor that life.
We are, of course, so sad about the loss of our second child. We believe that life begins with conception and so it wasn't just a medical blooper that was discovered at the ultrasound on the 9th; it was a death. I knew before the midwife even said anything that the baby was not okay; the screen was not blinking or wiggling - it was completely still with just a tiny little marking that showed our precious baby, sleeping silently inside my womb. Laying in bed later that night, I remember telling Dan that I felt lonely and that I missed the baby - a baby who I never really knew but who had transformed from a "positive" sign on a pregnancy test into "my child."
As we started processing the miscarriage together, we talked about how pregnancies often can not continue due to genetic flaws...and if the pregnancy were to continue, would probably produce a very sick/disabled baby. And so, in some backward way, we had been given an answer to our constant prayers for "a healthy baby." God answered that prayer by not giving us a sick baby. We also recognize that our grief is shared by so many other women (and men) who have endured the same experience - that roller coaster ride of excitement and hope that free falls into grief and disappointment. And to some extent, knowing we are not alone is a comfort and also gives us perspective. After all, when 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, millions of families are affected.
This situation has challenged me to continue to praise God through my suffering. This has been difficult as I watch others having babies and continuing on with healthy pregnancies...but it has also been empowering. To trust God enough to accept this loss and have hope for a future which is totally out of my control, is actually freeing....because this means I don't have to "make things right." I can trust God to work all things for the good and bring me out of this grief into a place of peace and joy. Suffering is a part of life - and God has never said it would be different. Instead, He has promised to walk with us through the suffering--and to give us comfort and rest. I believe this is true; we have been experiencing His comfort and guidance this week as we grieve. I guess a life without suffering would be nice; but then I guess I would not experience the full impact of God's love, mercy, comfort, and peace. Dan and I believe that earth is part of our lives for a moment but that there is eternity waiting - and I have such hope for spending every day of eternity with our little one who we will one day know fully and completely.
We are, of course, so sad about the loss of our second child. We believe that life begins with conception and so it wasn't just a medical blooper that was discovered at the ultrasound on the 9th; it was a death. I knew before the midwife even said anything that the baby was not okay; the screen was not blinking or wiggling - it was completely still with just a tiny little marking that showed our precious baby, sleeping silently inside my womb. Laying in bed later that night, I remember telling Dan that I felt lonely and that I missed the baby - a baby who I never really knew but who had transformed from a "positive" sign on a pregnancy test into "my child."
As we started processing the miscarriage together, we talked about how pregnancies often can not continue due to genetic flaws...and if the pregnancy were to continue, would probably produce a very sick/disabled baby. And so, in some backward way, we had been given an answer to our constant prayers for "a healthy baby." God answered that prayer by not giving us a sick baby. We also recognize that our grief is shared by so many other women (and men) who have endured the same experience - that roller coaster ride of excitement and hope that free falls into grief and disappointment. And to some extent, knowing we are not alone is a comfort and also gives us perspective. After all, when 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, millions of families are affected.
This situation has challenged me to continue to praise God through my suffering. This has been difficult as I watch others having babies and continuing on with healthy pregnancies...but it has also been empowering. To trust God enough to accept this loss and have hope for a future which is totally out of my control, is actually freeing....because this means I don't have to "make things right." I can trust God to work all things for the good and bring me out of this grief into a place of peace and joy. Suffering is a part of life - and God has never said it would be different. Instead, He has promised to walk with us through the suffering--and to give us comfort and rest. I believe this is true; we have been experiencing His comfort and guidance this week as we grieve. I guess a life without suffering would be nice; but then I guess I would not experience the full impact of God's love, mercy, comfort, and peace. Dan and I believe that earth is part of our lives for a moment but that there is eternity waiting - and I have such hope for spending every day of eternity with our little one who we will one day know fully and completely.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Fear....and what it leads to....
Let me first start my post today by saying I had so much fun this Halloween! I had a great time dressing Levi up in adorable costumes and eating tasty treats cut into the shapes of pumpkins and pointy witch hats. I had a blast carving pumpkins and lighting them up in the night. I really did have fun. However, it is definitely a strange holiday - and as one of my favorite t.v shows, "The Office" stated on their Halloween episode, it is strange to celebrate fear. I agree.
Life in general and my work as a therapist has shown me what fear really does. Real fear is not fun; it does not make us laugh or scream in delight. It is not exciting. Fear silences us. It takes away our voice and it confuses our thoughts. It spins the world a different direction. Fear distorts reality and robs us of truth and freedom. Fear is a powerful force.
So why am I blogging about fear? Because I can not stop thinking about everything that has been happening in State College. I read the news articles about the horrible (alleged) actions of Jerry Sandusky and the cover up by numerous PSU officials. I watch as the media tries to find people to blame for why this all happened... tries to figure out if the people involved are heartless men - or if there was some misunderstanding. After all, how could this have happened? How could adults brush something so horrible under the rug? Was it selfishness? Was it pride? What? What reason or excuse is there that is stronger than protecting young boys from abuse? Want my simple answer? Fear.
I read a report that the graduate student who witnessed one of the instances of abuse confided the incident to only two people - his father and coach Paterno. Everyone wants to know why he didn't call the police or go to other officials or stop the abuse when he saw it happen. Everyone thinks that, if put in the same position, they would have run in and stopped what was happening immediately. But fear stepped in. Fear created a sense of misunderstanding, a loss of trust in oneself and in ones senses -- perhaps he wondered if what he saw was really happening. Maybe it wasn't a young boy. Maybe it wasn't that coach. Maybe....maybe...maybe.... Fear leads us to believe that what we experienced couldn't possibly be true - because if it was true, we have to deal with it. And if we deal with it, we expose ourselves to powerful feelings and truths that cut to our core. And that is terrifying. Let's not forget that someone who witnesses this kind of abuse can themselves be traumatized and be victimized just by the fear that is created by stumbling into the situation. So this graduate student made a "report"...and it seems like it may have been a slightly watered down report...
So then everyone turns their attention to Coach Paterno.... why didn't he do something? Well, he did. Sort of. He followed the set"chain of command." He followed a "protocol" for reporting "incidents." That's the funny thing about fear - it creates in us a desperate need to cling to something--anything--to reduce our own uneasiness. We cling to things such as protocols and chains of command and we believe that what we cling to is safe and right. We really believe in it because we have to - we need to - because if we don't have something to cling to, we spin out of control and our world is unsafe and unpredictable. The same protocols that we develop to handle negative situations can also become our own hiding places...our protocols are predictable and controlled, a pre-set response to ambiguous situations. They give us permission to "not think." Just follow. Perhaps Joe Paterno really believed he was doing the right thing. Or perhaps he reacted in fear and hid behind "the chain of command." (and may I note that I am not against policies and protocols in general...they just sometimes provide a way to "pass the buck," so to speak).
And what about the other officials - the top of the command. The "mandated reporters." Why did they not report? Were they afraid of their own reputations? Were they afraid of the school's reputation? Were they such fans of Jerry Sandusky that they didn't want him to get in trouble? Maybe some of these things are true. I don't know. I don't know them. but I can guess that they were afraid. Maybe they didn't even know exactly what they were afraid of. They just found themselves in a situation so disturbing that they wanted to rewind life back to an earlier point -- a point in time where they only thought about abuse in distant terms. A certain innocence was being torn from them when they were asked to face the reality that young boys were being raped in the locker rooms of their institution by a trusted member of the Penn State family. And instead of bravely standing up to what was really happening, they chose, in fear, to "rewind" the tape and pretend it didn't happen....like in those "chose your own adventure novels" instead of accepting ending #1, they went back and chose ending #2....and ending where they could believe that boys weren't being abused. One where they didn't have to face the depth of human sin and depravity.
And at the center of this is Jerry and the victims of his sin and sickness. He is the only one in this whole situation who could have prevented it all from happening. He is the only one truly responsible. He is the perpetrator. In this whole mess of questions and sadness and anger and loss - he is the one who made the distinct choice to abuse those boys. It is not the fault of the boys, it is not the fault of the graduate student, it is not the fault of coach Paterno or any other PSU official. Fear quieted and confused those who should have taken a stand, and I do believe there should be appropriate consequences for failing to act. But the sin of abuse rests squarely on Jerry's shoulders, and his alone.
Fear is a powerful force. And before we go placing blame on everyone in site, lets think about the ways we allow fear to dictate our behavior and choices. We choose to lie to a friend because we fear confrontation; we limit ourselves for fear of failure (or success), we act in negative ways for fear of the work it takes to change, we cling to money and status for fear we will become poor or obsolete...and the list goes on. So lets not judge others for acting in fear. We all do it. Rather, let's recognize how fear operates - how it an take hold of us if we are not careful. Let's arm ourselves with truth and strength and ask God for courage to face the evil in this world. We do not have be silenced by fear. We do not have to run from the evil of the world. We can face it without losing our foundation or our hope because God is greater than the evil of this world and He has told us to not be afraid. We can look at the horrors of this world and not be crushed because He has over come this world. We can stand for justice because He is just. So lets face fear head on...lets bring evil into the light so that it can be battled. Let's not allow fear to take root in our lives and dictate our choices. When we operate by fear, we can do awful things....or we can not do the right thing.
Life in general and my work as a therapist has shown me what fear really does. Real fear is not fun; it does not make us laugh or scream in delight. It is not exciting. Fear silences us. It takes away our voice and it confuses our thoughts. It spins the world a different direction. Fear distorts reality and robs us of truth and freedom. Fear is a powerful force.
So why am I blogging about fear? Because I can not stop thinking about everything that has been happening in State College. I read the news articles about the horrible (alleged) actions of Jerry Sandusky and the cover up by numerous PSU officials. I watch as the media tries to find people to blame for why this all happened... tries to figure out if the people involved are heartless men - or if there was some misunderstanding. After all, how could this have happened? How could adults brush something so horrible under the rug? Was it selfishness? Was it pride? What? What reason or excuse is there that is stronger than protecting young boys from abuse? Want my simple answer? Fear.
I read a report that the graduate student who witnessed one of the instances of abuse confided the incident to only two people - his father and coach Paterno. Everyone wants to know why he didn't call the police or go to other officials or stop the abuse when he saw it happen. Everyone thinks that, if put in the same position, they would have run in and stopped what was happening immediately. But fear stepped in. Fear created a sense of misunderstanding, a loss of trust in oneself and in ones senses -- perhaps he wondered if what he saw was really happening. Maybe it wasn't a young boy. Maybe it wasn't that coach. Maybe....maybe...maybe.... Fear leads us to believe that what we experienced couldn't possibly be true - because if it was true, we have to deal with it. And if we deal with it, we expose ourselves to powerful feelings and truths that cut to our core. And that is terrifying. Let's not forget that someone who witnesses this kind of abuse can themselves be traumatized and be victimized just by the fear that is created by stumbling into the situation. So this graduate student made a "report"...and it seems like it may have been a slightly watered down report...
So then everyone turns their attention to Coach Paterno.... why didn't he do something? Well, he did. Sort of. He followed the set"chain of command." He followed a "protocol" for reporting "incidents." That's the funny thing about fear - it creates in us a desperate need to cling to something--anything--to reduce our own uneasiness. We cling to things such as protocols and chains of command and we believe that what we cling to is safe and right. We really believe in it because we have to - we need to - because if we don't have something to cling to, we spin out of control and our world is unsafe and unpredictable. The same protocols that we develop to handle negative situations can also become our own hiding places...our protocols are predictable and controlled, a pre-set response to ambiguous situations. They give us permission to "not think." Just follow. Perhaps Joe Paterno really believed he was doing the right thing. Or perhaps he reacted in fear and hid behind "the chain of command." (and may I note that I am not against policies and protocols in general...they just sometimes provide a way to "pass the buck," so to speak).
And what about the other officials - the top of the command. The "mandated reporters." Why did they not report? Were they afraid of their own reputations? Were they afraid of the school's reputation? Were they such fans of Jerry Sandusky that they didn't want him to get in trouble? Maybe some of these things are true. I don't know. I don't know them. but I can guess that they were afraid. Maybe they didn't even know exactly what they were afraid of. They just found themselves in a situation so disturbing that they wanted to rewind life back to an earlier point -- a point in time where they only thought about abuse in distant terms. A certain innocence was being torn from them when they were asked to face the reality that young boys were being raped in the locker rooms of their institution by a trusted member of the Penn State family. And instead of bravely standing up to what was really happening, they chose, in fear, to "rewind" the tape and pretend it didn't happen....like in those "chose your own adventure novels" instead of accepting ending #1, they went back and chose ending #2....and ending where they could believe that boys weren't being abused. One where they didn't have to face the depth of human sin and depravity.
And at the center of this is Jerry and the victims of his sin and sickness. He is the only one in this whole situation who could have prevented it all from happening. He is the only one truly responsible. He is the perpetrator. In this whole mess of questions and sadness and anger and loss - he is the one who made the distinct choice to abuse those boys. It is not the fault of the boys, it is not the fault of the graduate student, it is not the fault of coach Paterno or any other PSU official. Fear quieted and confused those who should have taken a stand, and I do believe there should be appropriate consequences for failing to act. But the sin of abuse rests squarely on Jerry's shoulders, and his alone.
Fear is a powerful force. And before we go placing blame on everyone in site, lets think about the ways we allow fear to dictate our behavior and choices. We choose to lie to a friend because we fear confrontation; we limit ourselves for fear of failure (or success), we act in negative ways for fear of the work it takes to change, we cling to money and status for fear we will become poor or obsolete...and the list goes on. So lets not judge others for acting in fear. We all do it. Rather, let's recognize how fear operates - how it an take hold of us if we are not careful. Let's arm ourselves with truth and strength and ask God for courage to face the evil in this world. We do not have be silenced by fear. We do not have to run from the evil of the world. We can face it without losing our foundation or our hope because God is greater than the evil of this world and He has told us to not be afraid. We can look at the horrors of this world and not be crushed because He has over come this world. We can stand for justice because He is just. So lets face fear head on...lets bring evil into the light so that it can be battled. Let's not allow fear to take root in our lives and dictate our choices. When we operate by fear, we can do awful things....or we can not do the right thing.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Little house on Londonderry.....
Dan and I have been talking about finding a house for a while now - and we have been casually looking since the Spring. Recently, we found a house in Palmyra (next to Hershey) that seemed like it would fit our needs for the future perfectly. The house needs some work but, as the home inspector discovered today, really does have "good bones" and "great potential." The price was right (even though, for me, buying anything over 500 dollars makes me feel a anxious), and we have felt peace about pursuing the home. Many of you have asked me to describe the house so I took some pictures today during the home inspection...... so here it is!
Here is the front of the ho
use - complete with Levi playing on the driveway (waiting for the home inspector). Perhaps this house first captured my attention due to the white siding, black shutters, and red brick.....the exact same color scheme as my house growing up! haha.....
They say we have a tendency to recreate our
past.... =)
The back of the house (looking from the side yard). We like the large patio. The part of the house the juts out is what
will hopefully be the "playroom." We also plan on taking out a lot of the over grown shrubs and we'll trim up the trees.
The view from the patio of the back yard. We LOVE it. It is a good size and totally flat (which will make mowing a snap!)
The front part of the living room.... we like the hard wood floors and the fire place.
The back part of the living room. And you can kind of see through
into the "play room" area.
The half bath that sits just off of the living room. It is small but I do believe it will serve its purpose well. =)
looking into the play room from the door way into the living room. The playroom window looks out onto the back yard. this room has carpet and built in cabinets and shelves. All I want to do here is paint!
The dining room. If you look at the front exterior of the house you will see two bow windows. One of the bow windows is in the living room and one is here in the dining room. Makes for great light (sorry some of the pictures are blurry...I was snapping them quickly).
Here is a shot of the Kitchen - our Big Project! We are going to put in new flooring (because it is ugly linoleum that is supposed to look like wood...yuck!) and we will paint the cabinets and add a new counter top and back splash. We are also doing all new appliances since the old ones are, it seems, as old as the house! We also want to add an island and a pass through window to open up the kitchen and dining room space. We'll probably add a few cabinets/maybe some kind of pantry.
Levi sitting in what will be his room. It is already painted blue! I won't put up pictures of the other bedrooms because they all look similar. They are all a great size and have the same carpet. They also have good closet space. There is also an upstairs bathroom that will be our project after the kitchen. It is functional but ugly/outdated. It is also on the small end of things but, I will take 4 large bedrooms over 3 smaller bedrooms and a big bath.
The basement. It is u
nfinished but in GREAT shape! The home inspector said it was a great space and that there are no cracks at all in the walls and no signs of water (which is great considering we just had a flood!) The ceilings are high and so this basement has great potential for being finished off. At some point, Dan will put up walls around the laundry area to create a laundry room and separate it from the rest of the basement which will hopefully be a fun hang out area!
Looking out the front door. Hopefully that sign will say SOLD soon!!!!!
Here is the front of the ho
use - complete with Levi playing on the driveway (waiting for the home inspector). Perhaps this house first captured my attention due to the white siding, black shutters, and red brick.....the exact same color scheme as my house growing up! haha.....They say we have a tendency to recreate our
past.... =)
The back of the house (looking from the side yard). We like the large patio. The part of the house the juts out is what
will hopefully be the "playroom." We also plan on taking out a lot of the over grown shrubs and we'll trim up the trees.
The view from the patio of the back yard. We LOVE it. It is a good size and totally flat (which will make mowing a snap!)
The front part of the living room.... we like the hard wood floors and the fire place.
The back part of the living room. And you can kind of see through
into the "play room" area.
The half bath that sits just off of the living room. It is small but I do believe it will serve its purpose well. =)
looking into the play room from the door way into the living room. The playroom window looks out onto the back yard. this room has carpet and built in cabinets and shelves. All I want to do here is paint!
The dining room. If you look at the front exterior of the house you will see two bow windows. One of the bow windows is in the living room and one is here in the dining room. Makes for great light (sorry some of the pictures are blurry...I was snapping them quickly).
Here is a shot of the Kitchen - our Big Project! We are going to put in new flooring (because it is ugly linoleum that is supposed to look like wood...yuck!) and we will paint the cabinets and add a new counter top and back splash. We are also doing all new appliances since the old ones are, it seems, as old as the house! We also want to add an island and a pass through window to open up the kitchen and dining room space. We'll probably add a few cabinets/maybe some kind of pantry.
Levi sitting in what will be his room. It is already painted blue! I won't put up pictures of the other bedrooms because they all look similar. They are all a great size and have the same carpet. They also have good closet space. There is also an upstairs bathroom that will be our project after the kitchen. It is functional but ugly/outdated. It is also on the small end of things but, I will take 4 large bedrooms over 3 smaller bedrooms and a big bath.The basement. It is u
nfinished but in GREAT shape! The home inspector said it was a great space and that there are no cracks at all in the walls and no signs of water (which is great considering we just had a flood!) The ceilings are high and so this basement has great potential for being finished off. At some point, Dan will put up walls around the laundry area to create a laundry room and separate it from the rest of the basement which will hopefully be a fun hang out area!
Looking out the front door. Hopefully that sign will say SOLD soon!!!!!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thanksgiving in August
I have thought a lot about my blog this summer. Yup, I thought of things I could be writing or pictures I could be posting. I gave it a lot of thought... Clearly, that is as far as I got. But Dan is now on vacation, so I have just a little time to sit down and post some thoughts and pictures on my much neglected page.
I have been thinking a lot about contentment lately - thinking about how one can be content in their circumstances but not fall into complacency. I never want to lose my drive to continue growing as a wife, mother, professional, etc... but I also don't want to feel like I am constantly striving for more - striving to have more, do better - at the expensive of ignoring the blessings right in front of me. I don't want to be greedy but I also want the best for my family and, let's face it, for myself. Is that being discontented? These are some things I have been mulling over these past several months.
I have decided that contentment is directly related to thanksgiving. No, not the holiday in November; rather, the conscious and continuous recognition of my blessings. I forget to be thankful. I forget that so much of what I have is not a necessity and I start living in an attitude of entitlement...that I some how "deserve" or "should have"
certain things. I deserve nothing. I am given everything. God has so much love for us that he showers us with blessings -- so many blessings that we become numb to them; we forget that they are blessings. And besides the fact that we become numb to our blessings, we also, as the Caedman's Call song suggests, "mistake our happiness for blessing." We think that, because we are not feeling happy or are going through a rough spot, we are somehow not blessed. Our feelings and God's blessings are not always related. Happiness does not equal blessing and sadness does not mean lack of blessing. I can have the worst day of my life and I am still blessed. And when I start remembering to be thankful - and stop feeling entitled....I am at peace; I am content. So this blog post is about my blessings - about the little moments and the things in my life that I do not deserve but have been gifted from a Savior who loves
me; who loves us.
Time with Daddy swimming in Mike and Denay's pool!
Hanging out with Grandpa Thrush
Baby music class...summer recital
A happy, healthy boy...such a blessing
Moments of play
old friends...and new friends! (welcome Jude Martin!!)
The joy of bath time
New experiences (Levi at his first ever birthday party...what a fun time!)
Being with Levi through all his highs and lows... =)
Summer days...
Wearing nothing but your birthday suit during a heat wave!
I have been thinking a lot about contentment lately - thinking about how one can be content in their circumstances but not fall into complacency. I never want to lose my drive to continue growing as a wife, mother, professional, etc... but I also don't want to feel like I am constantly striving for more - striving to have more, do better - at the expensive of ignoring the blessings right in front of me. I don't want to be greedy but I also want the best for my family and, let's face it, for myself. Is that being discontented? These are some things I have been mulling over these past several months.
I have decided that contentment is directly related to thanksgiving. No, not the holiday in November; rather, the conscious and continuous recognition of my blessings. I forget to be thankful. I forget that so much of what I have is not a necessity and I start living in an attitude of entitlement...that I some how "deserve" or "should have"
certain things. I deserve nothing. I am given everything. God has so much love for us that he showers us with blessings -- so many blessings that we become numb to them; we forget that they are blessings. And besides the fact that we become numb to our blessings, we also, as the Caedman's Call song suggests, "mistake our happiness for blessing." We think that, because we are not feeling happy or are going through a rough spot, we are somehow not blessed. Our feelings and God's blessings are not always related. Happiness does not equal blessing and sadness does not mean lack of blessing. I can have the worst day of my life and I am still blessed. And when I start remembering to be thankful - and stop feeling entitled....I am at peace; I am content. So this blog post is about my blessings - about the little moments and the things in my life that I do not deserve but have been gifted from a Savior who lovesme; who loves us.
Time with Daddy swimming in Mike and Denay's pool!
Hanging out with Grandpa Thrush
Baby music class...summer recital
A happy, healthy boy...such a blessing
Moments of play
old friends...and new friends! (welcome Jude Martin!!)
The joy of bath time
New experiences (Levi at his first ever birthday party...what a fun time!)
Being with Levi through all his highs and lows... =)
Summer days...
Wearing nothing but your birthday suit during a heat wave!
Monday, May 23, 2011
First Mother's Day
Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."
I love how this verse is just tucked into the Christmas story. In between giving birth and fleeing for her life, Mary treasured up those first moments with her baby. There are so many little things that I have been "treasuring up" -- the snuggle time we have while nursing, the gummy smile that he flashes when I walk into a room, the little baby chatter that I hear in the morning lightly floating out of the nursery... I treasure these things. I treasure Levi. I treasure being a mom. It is so hard sometimes, but I LOVE it. And I loved my first Mother's day. I didn't care so much about being thanked (although the card and picture frame from Dan and Levi were so great). I just found myself celebrating motherhood... I found myself reflecting on those things that I love about being a mommy...the things I have treasured up over the last several months. Our first Mother's Day as a family was made even more special by also being the day that Levi was dedicated at church. It was a day of celebrating motherhood....thanking God for the gift of motherhood, and ultimately giving God control of motherhood.
4 moms (me, my sister-in-law Sara, my mother-in-law DuAnne, and my mom Sue) We went to church together and then had a meal back at our house and enjoyed the amazing weather!
Levi loved hanging out with his Aunty Sara
Uncle Curt, cousin Ali, and cousin Sawyer all helped entertain Levi
I remember when this little lady was as tiny as Levi..... now she is 4.5!!
Grandma and Grandpa Wagner trying so hard to get a picture where all the kids look at the same camera... however, none of the kids cared to look at any camera in this shot
Levi loved having both grandmas around to play with him
(and spoil him, of course)
The Wagner Family...once a family of 4....now a family of 9!
The Thrush family (some of us)
Cousins
enjoying some mothers day cake...or as Sawyer calls it "CAAAAAAAAKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Levi at his dedication....love that little man!!!
I love how this verse is just tucked into the Christmas story. In between giving birth and fleeing for her life, Mary treasured up those first moments with her baby. There are so many little things that I have been "treasuring up" -- the snuggle time we have while nursing, the gummy smile that he flashes when I walk into a room, the little baby chatter that I hear in the morning lightly floating out of the nursery... I treasure these things. I treasure Levi. I treasure being a mom. It is so hard sometimes, but I LOVE it. And I loved my first Mother's day. I didn't care so much about being thanked (although the card and picture frame from Dan and Levi were so great). I just found myself celebrating motherhood... I found myself reflecting on those things that I love about being a mommy...the things I have treasured up over the last several months. Our first Mother's Day as a family was made even more special by also being the day that Levi was dedicated at church. It was a day of celebrating motherhood....thanking God for the gift of motherhood, and ultimately giving God control of motherhood.
4 moms (me, my sister-in-law Sara, my mother-in-law DuAnne, and my mom Sue) We went to church together and then had a meal back at our house and enjoyed the amazing weather!
Levi loved hanging out with his Aunty Sara
Uncle Curt, cousin Ali, and cousin Sawyer all helped entertain Levi
I remember when this little lady was as tiny as Levi..... now she is 4.5!!
Grandma and Grandpa Wagner trying so hard to get a picture where all the kids look at the same camera... however, none of the kids cared to look at any camera in this shot
Levi loved having both grandmas around to play with him
(and spoil him, of course)
The Wagner Family...once a family of 4....now a family of 9!
The Thrush family (some of us)
Cousins
enjoying some mothers day cake...or as Sawyer calls it "CAAAAAAAAKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Levi at his dedication....love that little man!!!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Levi's First Solids!
Levi had his first taste of real food today.
He had rice cereal and LOVED it!
Getting a little messy but having fun!
Levi has been watching us eat for a while now;
he seemed to know what a spoon was for!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Another Life...
I am just going to start this post with one amazing thought: It is April. I know that everyone says that time flies...but, really, it is April?? I am sitting on the couch with my legs propped up and the laptop humming softly - totally lost in the thought that it is April and we have an almost-5-month-old son. I mean, what life it this? I am a stay at home mom to the sweetest little boy with the cutest gummy smile. I live in a red brick house in Hershey and I now drive a mini van... again, what life is this? Just last year we were squeezed into a tiny apartment in Philadelphia while I worked full-time and Dan lived the life of a busy graduate student. My how quickly things change!
The biggest change of our lives happened in the wee hours of the morning on November 27, 2010. At 4:15am Levi Daniel Thrush made his appearance in the world. As I reflect back on that time, I have snippets of memory... I remember taking, oh, 10 hours to decide if I was in labor; then REALLY wanting to get to the hospital. I remember the looks on people's faces as I walked quickly through the hospital, up to the labor and deliver floor....they gave these half-smile, "knowing" looks. I remember how annoying it was to have to answer questions and sign my name while having contractions; I remember pacing the floor; and, oh, I remember the epidural! I remember settling into the bed and watching Dan eat his dinner. I remember apologizing to the nurse every time she walked into the room because we were watching episodes of 30 Rock on the TV and she had a knack for entering right around the time an off collar joke was used. I remember being told that it was time to push. I remember everyone saying "great job" after every push and getting pumped up...and me yelling at them to stop saying that unless the baby was ready to come out. I remember seeing Levi for the first time and saying "He is purple!" I remember a big man telling me that I had to get out of bed and try to walk. I remember being ticked off at him. I remember seeing Levi wrapped up so tight - his little face scrunched up as he slept. I remember being pushed in a wheel chair over to another room and kind of having fun with that... I remember pain. I remember the nurse who got me awesome pain killers. I remember some things I won't write about. I remember looking at the menu at the hospital and thinking "do sick people really want to eat beef stroganoff?" I remember writing in, "grilled cheese." I remember being so overwhelmed with love...and then with anxiety; "we have a baby?!?" I remember leaving the hospital and feeling like the whole world had stood still for three days while we were holed up in our room, a new little family. I remember leaving the hospital with my greatest pain, greatest accomplishment, and greatest love in my arms.
Since then life has been lived a day at a time - getting to know Levi and learning what it means to be a new mom (that is a whole other post). I had some difficulty in my recovery and with feedings at first; I often heard the phrase "this too shall pass" from others and from my own head. But I have also discovered that that phrase is bittersweet. "This too shall pass" is meant to be an encouragement during hard times but, for me, it has also become a reminder to savour every moment with Levi. He is only 4 and a half months old but already things have passed. He doesn't want to sleep all snuggled up to me for hours; he is too big for his teeny weeny outfits; he sometimes seems too busy to want to nurse... I LOVE the interactive, happy baby that he is now, but I recognize that every stage has its joys and I must try not to wish so hard for the next stage that I miss the wonders of the present. Dan and I are so blessed; we've stepped into a whole other life and it is so great. It has challenges, but it is good. I will try to write more now that things have settled. I feel like there are so many things to write about and share... but for now, I hear a little voice back in the nursery that is telling me it is time to stop blogging and change a diaper!
The biggest change of our lives happened in the wee hours of the morning on November 27, 2010. At 4:15am Levi Daniel Thrush made his appearance in the world. As I reflect back on that time, I have snippets of memory... I remember taking, oh, 10 hours to decide if I was in labor; then REALLY wanting to get to the hospital. I remember the looks on people's faces as I walked quickly through the hospital, up to the labor and deliver floor....they gave these half-smile, "knowing" looks. I remember how annoying it was to have to answer questions and sign my name while having contractions; I remember pacing the floor; and, oh, I remember the epidural! I remember settling into the bed and watching Dan eat his dinner. I remember apologizing to the nurse every time she walked into the room because we were watching episodes of 30 Rock on the TV and she had a knack for entering right around the time an off collar joke was used. I remember being told that it was time to push. I remember everyone saying "great job" after every push and getting pumped up...and me yelling at them to stop saying that unless the baby was ready to come out. I remember seeing Levi for the first time and saying "He is purple!" I remember a big man telling me that I had to get out of bed and try to walk. I remember being ticked off at him. I remember seeing Levi wrapped up so tight - his little face scrunched up as he slept. I remember being pushed in a wheel chair over to another room and kind of having fun with that... I remember pain. I remember the nurse who got me awesome pain killers. I remember some things I won't write about. I remember looking at the menu at the hospital and thinking "do sick people really want to eat beef stroganoff?" I remember writing in, "grilled cheese." I remember being so overwhelmed with love...and then with anxiety; "we have a baby?!?" I remember leaving the hospital and feeling like the whole world had stood still for three days while we were holed up in our room, a new little family. I remember leaving the hospital with my greatest pain, greatest accomplishment, and greatest love in my arms.
Since then life has been lived a day at a time - getting to know Levi and learning what it means to be a new mom (that is a whole other post). I had some difficulty in my recovery and with feedings at first; I often heard the phrase "this too shall pass" from others and from my own head. But I have also discovered that that phrase is bittersweet. "This too shall pass" is meant to be an encouragement during hard times but, for me, it has also become a reminder to savour every moment with Levi. He is only 4 and a half months old but already things have passed. He doesn't want to sleep all snuggled up to me for hours; he is too big for his teeny weeny outfits; he sometimes seems too busy to want to nurse... I LOVE the interactive, happy baby that he is now, but I recognize that every stage has its joys and I must try not to wish so hard for the next stage that I miss the wonders of the present. Dan and I are so blessed; we've stepped into a whole other life and it is so great. It has challenges, but it is good. I will try to write more now that things have settled. I feel like there are so many things to write about and share... but for now, I hear a little voice back in the nursery that is telling me it is time to stop blogging and change a diaper!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Waiting for Levi
It is week 38 of the pregnancy; and I now officially understand why many women report feeling "ready" to go into labor. Prior to this time in my life, I wondered, "how could anyone be "ready" for intense pain?" Well, I guess the pain of labor is a price I am willing to pay to get this baby OUT of me and into my arms. However, as much as I am excited about seeing my toes again and walking without that weird late-pregnancy hip sway thing, I am the most excited about meeting our son! I can not wait to see what he looks like, touch his little fingers and toes, watch him sleep, and even hear him cry. (I will have to remember this in a few weeks at 3am). I am so amazed at how God has literally been knitting little Levi together inside of me - how far he has come in just 9 short months - and can't imagine going two more weeks without finally seeing him! What a miracle.
Of course this doesn't mean Dan and I are totally at ease with this whole situation. I mean, there is another person entering into our little family (whom, I might mention, we are solely responsible for) and it will definitely cause things to change! I could also write and write about all the things we could be worrying about right now....but that would be starting down a dangerous path. For now I have to remember that all parents are "new parents" at some point and make mistakes and, generally, learn as they go. For example, one of my greatest sources of comfort came from a scene on "Bethany Getting Married" (a show I am ashamed to recommend to anyone but secretly watch when it is on "E!"). Basically, in this reality show, there is a scene depicting Bethany and her husband bringing home their new baby....and they literally do not know how to get their baby out of the car. They struggle with the car seat base and finally have to call their nanny for help. As silly as this sounds, it just made me aware that, no matter how rich and famous someone is--no matter how savvy they are in business or how well educated they are etc -- babies are a mystery to be solved! My goal is not to try and be "super mom" - I am shooting for basically getting Levi to his first birthday with no major mishaps! And, hopefully, God will bless our parenting efforts and turn Levi into one heck of a little boy.
For now, we will keep waiting for Levi to make his appearance. We will keep preparing in the small ways we know how and keep praying that God works all things together for the good. My prayer is for a safe delivery and healthy baby; and also that we can get him out of the car when we get home!
Of course this doesn't mean Dan and I are totally at ease with this whole situation. I mean, there is another person entering into our little family (whom, I might mention, we are solely responsible for) and it will definitely cause things to change! I could also write and write about all the things we could be worrying about right now....but that would be starting down a dangerous path. For now I have to remember that all parents are "new parents" at some point and make mistakes and, generally, learn as they go. For example, one of my greatest sources of comfort came from a scene on "Bethany Getting Married" (a show I am ashamed to recommend to anyone but secretly watch when it is on "E!"). Basically, in this reality show, there is a scene depicting Bethany and her husband bringing home their new baby....and they literally do not know how to get their baby out of the car. They struggle with the car seat base and finally have to call their nanny for help. As silly as this sounds, it just made me aware that, no matter how rich and famous someone is--no matter how savvy they are in business or how well educated they are etc -- babies are a mystery to be solved! My goal is not to try and be "super mom" - I am shooting for basically getting Levi to his first birthday with no major mishaps! And, hopefully, God will bless our parenting efforts and turn Levi into one heck of a little boy.
For now, we will keep waiting for Levi to make his appearance. We will keep preparing in the small ways we know how and keep praying that God works all things together for the good. My prayer is for a safe delivery and healthy baby; and also that we can get him out of the car when we get home!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
August Update
Well, it has been a while since I last made a post - mostly because it felt like I didn't have much to say. However, now that I am writing, I realize how much has happened over the summer. Dan and I are settled into life here in Hershey.
Dan is doing a wonderful job at the med center and is slowly feeling more confident in his duties and more assimilated into the team. I am so proud of him and feel blessed to be able to be at home during this time. I have realized that, given some time, I am very capable of keeping a house clean, cooking meals, and making sure there is food in the house (something that didn't always happen in Philly!!) I do think that life is best enjoyed at a pace quite a bit slower than what we were doing in Philly.
This is not to say that we do not miss Philadelphia. We do look back on our two years there with a smile on our face - thinking about our little apartment and all of our friends and church family. We are planning a visit soon and I look forward to catching up with people and worshiping at CVC.
We have slowly been developing a sense of community and friendship at our new church in Hershey - Hershey Evangelical Free Church. We made the tough decision not to go back to our old church in Harrisburg because we realized that worshiping within our own community was very important to us. We have been blessed to maintain our friendships from Devonshire while making new relationships at E-free.
My work situation has been interesting. I originally thought that I would go back to work part-time but quickly realized that it was not what God had for our family and that I needed to be more available for our son when he arrives this November. (In case you haven't heard yet, we are naming him Levi Daniel). However, this does not mean that I am stepping out of my field completely. It seems as though God has opened doors through our church for me to minister to the relational and emotional needs of others in a ministry type setting (and even get paid a tad for it!). I will work a few hours a week but mostly keep myself available to my family. Dan and I both feel a great sense of peace over how this has all worked out and know God is leading us in these decisions.
Levi is kicking me more these days and Dan has been able to feel him. We are 26 weeks along and have a doctor's appointment in two weeks along with an ultra sound to take another look at Levi's brain and development. It is so wonderful to feel him move around inside of me and I get so excited to meet him (but I worry a lot about it too!). However, I know that God has blessed us with this pregnancy for a reason and He will prepare us and give us strength to be parents. I have posted a picture of me and my belly at 21 weeks - I'll try to get an updated shot posted soon.
Friday, July 2, 2010
A Baby Boy and an Opportunity for Growth
Yesterday, Dan and I had the chance to see our baby kick and wiggle his way through an ultrasound at Abington's fetal diagnostic center. We are in the process of transitioning our care over to Hershey medical center, so this was our last doctor's visit in Philadelphia. Dan and I watched the screen closely as the ultrasound technician started at the top of our baby's head and moved her way downward--looking at every little part of his body. Dan and I laughed when we saw a "third leg" on the ultrasound and were able to tell that our baby was a boy before the technician gave us the "official" word. Our happiness died down just a bit when the technician left the room at the end of the ultrasound after telling us that she was going to bring the doctor in to talk to us. All of a sudden, I knew that she had seen something abnormal and that maybe there was something wrong with our baby. The doctor, a man whom I had never met before, entered the room and discussed with us a finding on the baby's brain - a "Choroid Plexus Cyst." The doctor told us that the ultrasound technician spotted the cyst while looking at the brain and went ahead and did a "level 2" ultrasound instead of just a "level 1" (something Dan and I weren't aware of). The doctor reassured us that the cyst in and of itself was not a problem at all - but that he had to talk to us about it because it is a "soft marker" for down syndrome. He said that everything else on the ultrasound was fine -- no other markers (like abnormal measurements, heart defects, kidney problems, etc). However, even when he gave us a 99.5% chance that our baby will not have down syndrome, I couldn't help feeling the worry wash over me as I fixated on the "half percent" chance that my baby would be born with special needs. Instead of seeing me as one of the 199 mothers who will give birth to a healthy baby, I started seeing myself as the one mother out of 200 that will have a baby with down syndrome. In my head I know that statistics are in my favor, but in my heart I can't help feeling anxious.
As I have been working through all this, I have thought some about the idea of faith. When I was in high school, I had a history teacher who would always remind us of the "opportunity" we had with every test and quiz that he would administer. We laughed each time he told us to take out our pencils and get ready for an "opportunity," but, really, what an interesting thought! With every test we had the chance to raise our grades, gain confidence in what we knew, and show the teacher our commitment and growth in the class. In one sense, every test, in every class, was leading us closer to graduation and acceptance into college! Our tests were not to be feared, but something to be anticipated because of the opportunities it offered us to continue on in our education and achieve the goals and dreams we all had before us. Now, I did not always embrace this idea of a test being an opportunity, but clearly it has left a mark on me because I am thinking about this lesson years later. It reminds me of the first chapter in James when the idea of "trails" or tests are being addressed as necessary for developing our faith and perseverance and, ultimately, our maturity:
James 1:2
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
The finding that there is a choroid Plexus Cyst on our little boy's brain has been a test on my faith right now--testing my belief that God is in control of this situation and will work this situation out for the good. But with this test of my faith comes opportunity for growth. I can have joy that, while I am not promised to walk through life without trials, I am given hope that the trials will strengthen me and help me mature in my relationship with God. My prayer, then, is that God will continue to strengthen my faith through this trial and use it as an opportunity for my growth--assuring me that He will work in this situation for our good and calm all our anxieties and fears.
Here is a Wikipedia entry on Choroid Plexus Cysts (I know, Wikipedia is totally not an "official" source for medial information....but it talks simply about the cysts and seems consistent with what the doctor said about the issue and with what I have been reading).
As I have been working through all this, I have thought some about the idea of faith. When I was in high school, I had a history teacher who would always remind us of the "opportunity" we had with every test and quiz that he would administer. We laughed each time he told us to take out our pencils and get ready for an "opportunity," but, really, what an interesting thought! With every test we had the chance to raise our grades, gain confidence in what we knew, and show the teacher our commitment and growth in the class. In one sense, every test, in every class, was leading us closer to graduation and acceptance into college! Our tests were not to be feared, but something to be anticipated because of the opportunities it offered us to continue on in our education and achieve the goals and dreams we all had before us. Now, I did not always embrace this idea of a test being an opportunity, but clearly it has left a mark on me because I am thinking about this lesson years later. It reminds me of the first chapter in James when the idea of "trails" or tests are being addressed as necessary for developing our faith and perseverance and, ultimately, our maturity:
James 1:2
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
The finding that there is a choroid Plexus Cyst on our little boy's brain has been a test on my faith right now--testing my belief that God is in control of this situation and will work this situation out for the good. But with this test of my faith comes opportunity for growth. I can have joy that, while I am not promised to walk through life without trials, I am given hope that the trials will strengthen me and help me mature in my relationship with God. My prayer, then, is that God will continue to strengthen my faith through this trial and use it as an opportunity for my growth--assuring me that He will work in this situation for our good and calm all our anxieties and fears.
Here is a Wikipedia entry on Choroid Plexus Cysts (I know, Wikipedia is totally not an "official" source for medial information....but it talks simply about the cysts and seems consistent with what the doctor said about the issue and with what I have been reading).
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Pictures of the house!
Here is the front of the house. We still have bushes to trim but, at least we got the lawn mowed! Notice the awesome car port that I get to park in!! It is a little different than the on street parking I got used to over the past four years! (oh, and there is a detached garage so don't feel too bad for Dan...he's got his spot too!)
Monday, June 21, 2010
A New House and Thinking About My Home
Dan and I arrived safely in Hershey (well, technically Hummelstown) last Wednesday evening and are happy to report that the move went well--with only two broken dishes. Since then, we have been consumed with the mission to rid our living space of cardboard boxes and to turn this building into our new home.
Even though there have been a few moments where I miss our tiny apartment in Philadelphia, I have to say that I love this new place. Our house sits on a quiet road where the loudest noises are birds chirping and neighbor dogs howling. This is a bit of a change from East Willow Grove Ave! The house also has a large yard, spots to plant flowers, a driveway, and a mailbox. I am especially excited about the latter two seeing as how Dan and I have had "on street parking" for most of our marriage and that, for the past two years, our mail would only sporadically arrive in the correct mailbox due to the number of apartments in the building. So, the ability to walk to the end of our driveway and find our mail, in our box, on a daily basis is quite the luxury! The inside of our house is also refreshing - a Kitchen with a pantry and plenty of counter space; a dining room able to fit a table that sits more than four people; a giant living room (in our standards); three bedrooms; a bathroom with an actual linen closet; and a full basement for storage and, yes, laundry!! Gone are the days of walking outside the house to get to the basement laundry room!!!
But even though we LOVE this new house, I can tell that it may take me a while to feel like we are home. Home, on earth, is place that is familiar, a place with memories, a place with relationships and the support of others, a place where you feel connected in many ways...this process of making a home will continue long after the cardboard boxes are unpacked and the flowers planted. But I know that this feeling of being home will eventually come because I believe that God has called us to make our home here for the time being. Yet, how funny it is that "home" can switch from place to place depending on the times and circumstances of our lives. It is never a fixed point--like on a game board--rather, it is rarely permanent. We can pack up, move cities, states or even countries away and forge new homes because there is a fixed point somewhere else--another home that we are tied to and called to walk towards. Our feeling of being home at a location here on earth is just a taste of what true home is and will never satisfy all our longings for connection and stability. Dan and I are building an earthly home here, for now, and I pray that we find that we are blessed with happy memories, relationships, and overall connections to this place. But, I also know that this is a point on a journey, on a walk; I can not have the expectation that this will satisfy all my longings for home because this isn't the home I was created for...it is the home I have been given for now - a home with Dan and a baby on the way and a house that I really, really like!!
(oh...and pictures are on the way!!)
Even though there have been a few moments where I miss our tiny apartment in Philadelphia, I have to say that I love this new place. Our house sits on a quiet road where the loudest noises are birds chirping and neighbor dogs howling. This is a bit of a change from East Willow Grove Ave! The house also has a large yard, spots to plant flowers, a driveway, and a mailbox. I am especially excited about the latter two seeing as how Dan and I have had "on street parking" for most of our marriage and that, for the past two years, our mail would only sporadically arrive in the correct mailbox due to the number of apartments in the building. So, the ability to walk to the end of our driveway and find our mail, in our box, on a daily basis is quite the luxury! The inside of our house is also refreshing - a Kitchen with a pantry and plenty of counter space; a dining room able to fit a table that sits more than four people; a giant living room (in our standards); three bedrooms; a bathroom with an actual linen closet; and a full basement for storage and, yes, laundry!! Gone are the days of walking outside the house to get to the basement laundry room!!!
But even though we LOVE this new house, I can tell that it may take me a while to feel like we are home. Home, on earth, is place that is familiar, a place with memories, a place with relationships and the support of others, a place where you feel connected in many ways...this process of making a home will continue long after the cardboard boxes are unpacked and the flowers planted. But I know that this feeling of being home will eventually come because I believe that God has called us to make our home here for the time being. Yet, how funny it is that "home" can switch from place to place depending on the times and circumstances of our lives. It is never a fixed point--like on a game board--rather, it is rarely permanent. We can pack up, move cities, states or even countries away and forge new homes because there is a fixed point somewhere else--another home that we are tied to and called to walk towards. Our feeling of being home at a location here on earth is just a taste of what true home is and will never satisfy all our longings for connection and stability. Dan and I are building an earthly home here, for now, and I pray that we find that we are blessed with happy memories, relationships, and overall connections to this place. But, I also know that this is a point on a journey, on a walk; I can not have the expectation that this will satisfy all my longings for home because this isn't the home I was created for...it is the home I have been given for now - a home with Dan and a baby on the way and a house that I really, really like!!
(oh...and pictures are on the way!!)
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