Time Flies

It is Friday evening and I can not believe that we are almost done with our time in Moldova!  I am very much ready to see Dan and Levi, but I am also starting to feel sad that I will have to say goodbye to my students and our host family.  It seems like we get to know them more each day and feel more and more comfortable....  I was talking with a couple of my students at lunch and we were just discussing how, even though we may be from other cultures, we share so much in common just because we are Christians.  In some ways, it is like visiting family--family you have never met before but know that you have such deep things in common with them.  It is truly wonderful to see the Church in Moldova and see the passion my students have for their ministries.

Classes have been going well and the students are preparing to take their final exam tomorrow.  I have tried to make a fair final but I understand that this week was information overload for some of them.  I have realized how much professors really do want their students to do well....at least, I have realized how much I am rooting for my students!! 

Mom is doing well - she got to "teach" and English class and had SO much fun.  She also participated in another English class which was also a blast.  I told her she has found her second calling--to be an ESL teacher.  =)  Maybe it will be something she gets more involved in at home....or maybe she will even come back to Moldova sometime!  The students really seemed to like her and many of them even stayed late to keep talking with her!

We have both been healthy and, so far, safe (even though driving here in the city is a little, um, disorganized!).  We spend the night here on Saturday and then we will go to the airport on Sunday morning...our flight is at 1.  We have a layover in Munich but only for an hour and a half or so...then it is on to Newark.  So, a big travel day...but I know that, once I am on the plane, I will be SO ready to just get home.  Please continue to pray for health and safety and for good travel on Sunday.  I can't wait to share more when we are back.  Right now, it is getting to be about bedtime so I must sign off!!  

First Day of Teaching!

Hello again!
Well, we are in Moldova!  Our flight from Munich was boring (which is the best kind of flight, in my opinion) and we landed a little behind schedule in Chisinau on Friday (lunchtime).  We walked out of the baggage area and I immediately saw a man standing nearby holding a sign that said "Karen Thrush."  I took that as a pretty clear sign that he was there to pick us up!  The man holding the sign was Victor and he and his wife are hosting us in their city apartment.  They have three lovely girls who are the sweetest....ages 18, 13, and 6.  The 6 year old is more adorable than can be described and I think she has connected with the "grandma" in my mom.  They have played quite a bit today despite the language barrier...but I guess playing tea and dolls is an international language in itself.

Anyways, after hopping into Victors car at the airport we took a wild ride to the college.  I am not sure which was more fun...seeing the life of the city around me or watching my mom experience Eastern European driving.  =)

At the school we had a very nice lunch waiting for us and then we met some other administrators and workers...we also figured out a way to get my computer hooked up to the internet since it was not finding the wireless.  Then we came home to Victor's apartment to meet the family and have a lovely dinner.  I am in love with these stuffed cabbage things...I want to learn to make them....they are amazing.  (and Victor's wife reheated some more for me today because she saw how much I loved them...haha...I guess I don't stay quiet about good food). But really, every bit of food that she has made so far has been outstanding.  I must admit, I am looking forward to meal times this week.

After getting a great night's sleep I woke up this morning ready for class to start!  I got dressed, ate a tasty breakfast, gathered up my gear and headed into the school....and then we waited...and no one came!  And then we realized the students were all waiting for me in another room!  So...after a little hiccup, the students settled into my classroom and we got started.  And,really, I think we had a great day!  First of all, my translator is AMAZING! Secondly, many of the students do speak some English.  3rd, I had the perfect amount of information prepared for the class so we ended right on time, and 4thly I was able to get lively discussion going which (as many of you know) is one of my favorite things to do...I love to get people thinking and engaging with material and I think that happened a bit today even though some of the material is a bit dry.  In thinking back on how great today went...it is CLEAR that I have a whole team of people praying for me.  And, even though I am missing Levi and Dan so much, it was clear that this is the place for me right now....that these students are hungry for more knowledge and training to be effective in their ministries.  And, let me tell you, they are in some tough ministries!  I was blessed with the chance to talk with a few girls during lunch and hear more about their life and work.  They are tough cookies who serve the Lord with their whole heart....it is a pleasure to serve them in this way.

So, now it is almost 10pm on Saturday evening and I am getting ready to turn the light off and call it a day.  I look forward to church tomorrow (victor is preaching) and spending time with the family on the Sabbath.  I am sure I will need to do some prep for the week to come because it is going to be intense!  Please keep me in your prayers as I will be teaching from 9-4pm each day.  Also, continue to pray for health and safety and for my mom as she builds relationships with the family and finds things to do around the school (one teacher has already asked her to take over his English class this week...haha....seriously).

I will continue to post as time allows and I feel comfort in knowing that we have so much support!
K

1 Flight down....1 to go!

We had a great train ride from Harrisburg to Newark airport...followed by a smooth flight to Munich. Mom and I are staying at a hotel right at the airport (which was SO nice) and so we got right into our hotel room, refreshed ourselves, and dropped off our luggage. Now, we will head into the city to see a few sights and get some lunch....and dinner....and then come back to the hotel for an early bedtime. =) I can not wait to sleep in a bed rather than a plane seat! Our flight out of Munich is around 9ish tomorrow morning (3am US time). And hopefully we will find someone waiting for us at the airport in Moldova! =)

How's it going?

"There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well""
Chris Tomlin - "I Will Rise"

A lot of people have been asking me how we are doing--how am I feeling physically and how are we doing emotionally. That is a hard question (sort of). Physically, I am feeling great. In fact, because the pregnancy hormones are finally out of my system, I feel more energized and perfectly healthy (no morning sickness etc). This is such a blessing because it helps me get moving during the day and I feel like I am able to accomplish things again. I also have more energy to play with Levi who is so much fun! Dan is also over his sickness and feeling better - so, yeah, physically we are GREAT!

Emotionally. humm, I have had a hard time explaining this one. However, this morning during breakfast, Levi and I were listening to Chris Tomlin's cd, "Hello Love," and heard the song "I Will Rise." The song starts out with the above quoted lyrics and I really connected with them - I felt my heart say, "THIS is how you are doing!" Grieving with hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) is a strange feeling because, on one hand, I have been experiencing the effects of normal loss and grief; yet, on the other hand, I don't feel totally overwhelmed with sadness. I have experienced so many moments of joy during this whole process, excitement for the future, hope of what is yet to come, and peace - accepting what has happened for what it is. And yet, I sometimes have trouble sleeping at night; I still cry when I think about not meeting our little one this summer; I fight bitterness and anger and have, on a few occasions, gone down the "why me, what did I do to deserve this?" path. It is weird to have all these feelings mixed together, but that is how it is. So when people ask me, "How are you doing?" it can be difficult to respond--after all, I am healing....but I guess, even though the physical world still leaves me with pangs of sadness, my soul is anchored in a safe and quiet harbor and I can say, "It is well......I am well."

Our Grief - His Comfort

I honestly wasn't planning on blogging about the miscarriage that Dan and I experienced just this past week. I have heard many people discuss the comfort that comes in keeping this grief quiet and within a confined circle of family and friends. And I can definitely see the value in that. However, I think I am wired a little differently. I process out loud and I find rest in getting my thoughts out on the table; like the kind of feeling you have when you finally let go of a heavy secret. And for some reason, not letting others know about the miscarriage left me feeling like I had a dark secret, something hidden. And feeling like this has definitely not helped the grief process. No, I want people to know about the miscarriage--not so that we can be pitied (although the comfort we have received from others has been greatly appreciated) but so this tiny little life that has lived and died can be known in some small way to others...and to know a life existed, to me, is a way to honor that life.

We are, of course, so sad about the loss of our second child. We believe that life begins with conception and so it wasn't just a medical blooper that was discovered at the ultrasound on the 9th; it was a death. I knew before the midwife even said anything that the baby was not okay; the screen was not blinking or wiggling - it was completely still with just a tiny little marking that showed our precious baby, sleeping silently inside my womb. Laying in bed later that night, I remember telling Dan that I felt lonely and that I missed the baby - a baby who I never really knew but who had transformed from a "positive" sign on a pregnancy test into "my child."

As we started processing the miscarriage together, we talked about how pregnancies often can not continue due to genetic flaws...and if the pregnancy were to continue, would probably produce a very sick/disabled baby. And so, in some backward way, we had been given an answer to our constant prayers for "a healthy baby." God answered that prayer by not giving us a sick baby. We also recognize that our grief is shared by so many other women (and men) who have endured the same experience - that roller coaster ride of excitement and hope that free falls into grief and disappointment. And to some extent, knowing we are not alone is a comfort and also gives us perspective. After all, when 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, millions of families are affected.

This situation has challenged me to continue to praise God through my suffering. This has been difficult as I watch others having babies and continuing on with healthy pregnancies...but it has also been empowering. To trust God enough to accept this loss and have hope for a future which is totally out of my control, is actually freeing....because this means I don't have to "make things right." I can trust God to work all things for the good and bring me out of this grief into a place of peace and joy. Suffering is a part of life - and God has never said it would be different. Instead, He has promised to walk with us through the suffering--and to give us comfort and rest. I believe this is true; we have been experiencing His comfort and guidance this week as we grieve. I guess a life without suffering would be nice; but then I guess I would not experience the full impact of God's love, mercy, comfort, and peace. Dan and I believe that earth is part of our lives for a moment but that there is eternity waiting - and I have such hope for spending every day of eternity with our little one who we will one day know fully and completely.

Fear....and what it leads to....

Let me first start my post today by saying I had so much fun this Halloween! I had a great time dressing Levi up in adorable costumes and eating tasty treats cut into the shapes of pumpkins and pointy witch hats. I had a blast carving pumpkins and lighting them up in the night. I really did have fun. However, it is definitely a strange holiday - and as one of my favorite t.v shows, "The Office" stated on their Halloween episode, it is strange to celebrate fear. I agree.

Life in general and my work as a therapist has shown me what fear really does. Real fear is not fun; it does not make us laugh or scream in delight. It is not exciting. Fear silences us. It takes away our voice and it confuses our thoughts. It spins the world a different direction. Fear distorts reality and robs us of truth and freedom. Fear is a powerful force.

So why am I blogging about fear? Because I can not stop thinking about everything that has been happening in State College. I read the news articles about the horrible (alleged) actions of Jerry Sandusky and the cover up by numerous PSU officials. I watch as the media tries to find people to blame for why this all happened... tries to figure out if the people involved are heartless men - or if there was some misunderstanding. After all, how could this have happened? How could adults brush something so horrible under the rug? Was it selfishness? Was it pride? What? What reason or excuse is there that is stronger than protecting young boys from abuse? Want my simple answer? Fear.

I read a report that the graduate student who witnessed one of the instances of abuse confided the incident to only two people - his father and coach Paterno. Everyone wants to know why he didn't call the police or go to other officials or stop the abuse when he saw it happen. Everyone thinks that, if put in the same position, they would have run in and stopped what was happening immediately. But fear stepped in. Fear created a sense of misunderstanding, a loss of trust in oneself and in ones senses -- perhaps he wondered if what he saw was really happening. Maybe it wasn't a young boy. Maybe it wasn't that coach. Maybe....maybe...maybe.... Fear leads us to believe that what we experienced couldn't possibly be true - because if it was true, we have to deal with it. And if we deal with it, we expose ourselves to powerful feelings and truths that cut to our core. And that is terrifying. Let's not forget that someone who witnesses this kind of abuse can themselves be traumatized and be victimized just by the fear that is created by stumbling into the situation. So this graduate student made a "report"...and it seems like it may have been a slightly watered down report...

So then everyone turns their attention to Coach Paterno.... why didn't he do something? Well, he did. Sort of. He followed the set"chain of command." He followed a "protocol" for reporting "incidents." That's the funny thing about fear - it creates in us a desperate need to cling to something--anything--to reduce our own uneasiness. We cling to things such as protocols and chains of command and we believe that what we cling to is safe and right. We really believe in it because we have to - we need to - because if we don't have something to cling to, we spin out of control and our world is unsafe and unpredictable. The same protocols that we develop to handle negative situations can also become our own hiding places...our protocols are predictable and controlled, a pre-set response to ambiguous situations. They give us permission to "not think." Just follow. Perhaps Joe Paterno really believed he was doing the right thing. Or perhaps he reacted in fear and hid behind "the chain of command." (and may I note that I am not against policies and protocols in general...they just sometimes provide a way to "pass the buck," so to speak).

And what about the other officials - the top of the command. The "mandated reporters." Why did they not report? Were they afraid of their own reputations? Were they afraid of the school's reputation? Were they such fans of Jerry Sandusky that they didn't want him to get in trouble? Maybe some of these things are true. I don't know. I don't know them. but I can guess that they were afraid. Maybe they didn't even know exactly what they were afraid of. They just found themselves in a situation so disturbing that they wanted to rewind life back to an earlier point -- a point in time where they only thought about abuse in distant terms. A certain innocence was being torn from them when they were asked to face the reality that young boys were being raped in the locker rooms of their institution by a trusted member of the Penn State family. And instead of bravely standing up to what was really happening, they chose, in fear, to "rewind" the tape and pretend it didn't happen....like in those "chose your own adventure novels" instead of accepting ending #1, they went back and chose ending #2....and ending where they could believe that boys weren't being abused. One where they didn't have to face the depth of human sin and depravity.

And at the center of this is Jerry and the victims of his sin and sickness. He is the only one in this whole situation who could have prevented it all from happening. He is the only one truly responsible. He is the perpetrator. In this whole mess of questions and sadness and anger and loss - he is the one who made the distinct choice to abuse those boys. It is not the fault of the boys, it is not the fault of the graduate student, it is not the fault of coach Paterno or any other PSU official. Fear quieted and confused those who should have taken a stand, and I do believe there should be appropriate consequences for failing to act. But the sin of abuse rests squarely on Jerry's shoulders, and his alone.

Fear is a powerful force. And before we go placing blame on everyone in site, lets think about the ways we allow fear to dictate our behavior and choices. We choose to lie to a friend because we fear confrontation; we limit ourselves for fear of failure (or success), we act in negative ways for fear of the work it takes to change, we cling to money and status for fear we will become poor or obsolete...and the list goes on. So lets not judge others for acting in fear. We all do it. Rather, let's recognize how fear operates - how it an take hold of us if we are not careful. Let's arm ourselves with truth and strength and ask God for courage to face the evil in this world. We do not have be silenced by fear. We do not have to run from the evil of the world. We can face it without losing our foundation or our hope because God is greater than the evil of this world and He has told us to not be afraid. We can look at the horrors of this world and not be crushed because He has over come this world. We can stand for justice because He is just. So lets face fear head on...lets bring evil into the light so that it can be battled. Let's not allow fear to take root in our lives and dictate our choices. When we operate by fear, we can do awful things....or we can not do the right thing.

Little house on Londonderry.....

Dan and I have been talking about finding a house for a while now - and we have been casually looking since the Spring. Recently, we found a house in Palmyra (next to Hershey) that seemed like it would fit our needs for the future perfectly. The house needs some work but, as the home inspector discovered today, really does have "good bones" and "great potential." The price was right (even though, for me, buying anything over 500 dollars makes me feel a anxious), and we have felt peace about pursuing the home. Many of you have asked me to describe the house so I took some pictures today during the home inspection...... so here it is!


Here is the front of the house - complete with Levi playing on the driveway (waiting for the home inspector). Perhaps this house first captured my attention due to the white siding, black shutters, and red brick.....the exact same color scheme as my house growing up! haha.....
They say we have a tendency to recreate our
past.... =)




The back of the house (looking from the side yard). We like the large patio. The part of the house the juts out is what will hopefully be the "playroom." We also plan on taking out a lot of the over grown shrubs and we'll trim up the trees.








The view from the patio of the back yard. We LOVE it. It is a good size and totally flat (which will make mowing a snap!)









The front part of the living room.... we like the hard wood floors and the fire place.











The back part of the living room. And you can kind of see through into the "play room" area.









The half bath that sits just off of the living room. It is small but I do believe it will serve its purpose well. =)








looking into the play room from the door way into the living room. The playroom window looks out onto the back yard. this room has carpet and built in cabinets and shelves. All I want to do here is paint!








The dining room. If you look at the front exterior of the house you will see two bow windows. One of the bow windows is in the living room and one is here in the dining room. Makes for great light (sorry some of the pictures are blurry...I was snapping them quickly).








Here is a shot of the Kitchen - our Big Project! We are going to put in new flooring (because it is ugly linoleum that is supposed to look like wood...yuck!) and we will paint the cabinets and add a new counter top and back splash. We are also doing all new appliances since the old ones are, it seems, as old as the house! We also want to add an island and a pass through window to open up the kitchen and dining room space. We'll probably add a few cabinets/maybe some kind of pantry.



Levi sitting in what will be his room. It is already painted blue! I won't put up pictures of the other bedrooms because they all look similar. They are all a great size and have the same carpet. They also have good closet space. There is also an upstairs bathroom that will be our project after the kitchen. It is functional but ugly/outdated. It is also on the small end of things but, I will take 4 large bedrooms over 3 smaller bedrooms and a big bath.




The basement. It is unfinished but in GREAT shape! The home inspector said it was a great space and that there are no cracks at all in the walls and no signs of water (which is great considering we just had a flood!) The ceilings are high and so this basement has great potential for being finished off. At some point, Dan will put up walls around the laundry area to create a laundry room and separate it from the rest of the basement which will hopefully be a fun hang out area!



Looking out the front door. Hopefully that sign will say SOLD soon!!!!!