Let me first start my post today by saying I had so much fun this Halloween! I had a great time dressing Levi up in adorable costumes and eating tasty treats cut into the shapes of pumpkins and pointy witch hats. I had a blast carving pumpkins and lighting them up in the night. I really did have fun. However, it is definitely a strange holiday - and as one of my favorite t.v shows, "The Office" stated on their Halloween episode, it is strange to celebrate fear. I agree.
Life in general and my work as a therapist has shown me what fear really does. Real fear is not fun; it does not make us laugh or scream in delight. It is not exciting. Fear silences us. It takes away our voice and it confuses our thoughts. It spins the world a different direction. Fear distorts reality and robs us of truth and freedom. Fear is a powerful force.
So why am I blogging about fear? Because I can not stop thinking about everything that has been happening in State College. I read the news articles about the horrible (alleged) actions of Jerry Sandusky and the cover up by numerous PSU officials. I watch as the media tries to find people to blame for why this all happened... tries to figure out if the people involved are heartless men - or if there was some misunderstanding. After all, how could this have happened? How could adults brush something so horrible under the rug? Was it selfishness? Was it pride? What? What reason or excuse is there that is stronger than protecting young boys from abuse? Want my simple answer? Fear.
I read a report that the graduate student who witnessed one of the instances of abuse confided the incident to only two people - his father and coach Paterno. Everyone wants to know why he didn't call the police or go to other officials or stop the abuse when he saw it happen. Everyone thinks that, if put in the same position, they would have run in and stopped what was happening immediately. But fear stepped in. Fear created a sense of misunderstanding, a loss of trust in oneself and in ones senses -- perhaps he wondered if what he saw was really happening. Maybe it wasn't a young boy. Maybe it wasn't that coach. Maybe....maybe...maybe.... Fear leads us to believe that what we experienced couldn't possibly be true - because if it was true, we have to deal with it. And if we deal with it, we expose ourselves to powerful feelings and truths that cut to our core. And that is terrifying. Let's not forget that someone who witnesses this kind of abuse can themselves be traumatized and be victimized just by the fear that is created by stumbling into the situation. So this graduate student made a "report"...and it seems like it may have been a slightly watered down report...
So then everyone turns their attention to Coach Paterno.... why didn't he do something? Well, he did. Sort of. He followed the set"chain of command." He followed a "protocol" for reporting "incidents." That's the funny thing about fear - it creates in us a desperate need to cling to something--anything--to reduce our own uneasiness. We cling to things such as protocols and chains of command and we believe that what we cling to is safe and right. We really believe in it because we have to - we need to - because if we don't have something to cling to, we spin out of control and our world is unsafe and unpredictable. The same protocols that we develop to handle negative situations can also become our own hiding places...our protocols are predictable and controlled, a pre-set response to ambiguous situations. They give us permission to "not think." Just follow. Perhaps Joe Paterno really believed he was doing the right thing. Or perhaps he reacted in fear and hid behind "the chain of command." (and may I note that I am not against policies and protocols in general...they just sometimes provide a way to "pass the buck," so to speak).
And what about the other officials - the top of the command. The "mandated reporters." Why did they not report? Were they afraid of their own reputations? Were they afraid of the school's reputation? Were they such fans of Jerry Sandusky that they didn't want him to get in trouble? Maybe some of these things are true. I don't know. I don't know them. but I can guess that they were afraid. Maybe they didn't even know exactly what they were afraid of. They just found themselves in a situation so disturbing that they wanted to rewind life back to an earlier point -- a point in time where they only thought about abuse in distant terms. A certain innocence was being torn from them when they were asked to face the reality that young boys were being raped in the locker rooms of their institution by a trusted member of the Penn State family. And instead of bravely standing up to what was really happening, they chose, in fear, to "rewind" the tape and pretend it didn't happen....like in those "chose your own adventure novels" instead of accepting ending #1, they went back and chose ending #2....and ending where they could believe that boys weren't being abused. One where they didn't have to face the depth of human sin and depravity.
And at the center of this is Jerry and the victims of his sin and sickness. He is the only one in this whole situation who could have prevented it all from happening. He is the only one truly responsible. He is the perpetrator. In this whole mess of questions and sadness and anger and loss - he is the one who made the distinct choice to abuse those boys. It is not the fault of the boys, it is not the fault of the graduate student, it is not the fault of coach Paterno or any other PSU official. Fear quieted and confused those who should have taken a stand, and I do believe there should be appropriate consequences for failing to act. But the sin of abuse rests squarely on Jerry's shoulders, and his alone.
Fear is a powerful force. And before we go placing blame on everyone in site, lets think about the ways we allow fear to dictate our behavior and choices. We choose to lie to a friend because we fear confrontation; we limit ourselves for fear of failure (or success), we act in negative ways for fear of the work it takes to change, we cling to money and status for fear we will become poor or obsolete...and the list goes on. So lets not judge others for acting in fear. We all do it. Rather, let's recognize how fear operates - how it an take hold of us if we are not careful. Let's arm ourselves with truth and strength and ask God for courage to face the evil in this world. We do not have be silenced by fear. We do not have to run from the evil of the world. We can face it without losing our foundation or our hope because God is greater than the evil of this world and He has told us to not be afraid. We can look at the horrors of this world and not be crushed because He has over come this world. We can stand for justice because He is just. So lets face fear head on...lets bring evil into the light so that it can be battled. Let's not allow fear to take root in our lives and dictate our choices. When we operate by fear, we can do awful things....or we can not do the right thing.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Little house on Londonderry.....
Dan and I have been talking about finding a house for a while now - and we have been casually looking since the Spring. Recently, we found a house in Palmyra (next to Hershey) that seemed like it would fit our needs for the future perfectly. The house needs some work but, as the home inspector discovered today, really does have "good bones" and "great potential." The price was right (even though, for me, buying anything over 500 dollars makes me feel a anxious), and we have felt peace about pursuing the home. Many of you have asked me to describe the house so I took some pictures today during the home inspection...... so here it is!
Here is the front of the ho
use - complete with Levi playing on the driveway (waiting for the home inspector). Perhaps this house first captured my attention due to the white siding, black shutters, and red brick.....the exact same color scheme as my house growing up! haha.....
They say we have a tendency to recreate our
past.... =)
The back of the house (looking from the side yard). We like the large patio. The part of the house the juts out is what
will hopefully be the "playroom." We also plan on taking out a lot of the over grown shrubs and we'll trim up the trees.
The view from the patio of the back yard. We LOVE it. It is a good size and totally flat (which will make mowing a snap!)
The front part of the living room.... we like the hard wood floors and the fire place.
The back part of the living room. And you can kind of see through
into the "play room" area.
The half bath that sits just off of the living room. It is small but I do believe it will serve its purpose well. =)
looking into the play room from the door way into the living room. The playroom window looks out onto the back yard. this room has carpet and built in cabinets and shelves. All I want to do here is paint!
The dining room. If you look at the front exterior of the house you will see two bow windows. One of the bow windows is in the living room and one is here in the dining room. Makes for great light (sorry some of the pictures are blurry...I was snapping them quickly).
Here is a shot of the Kitchen - our Big Project! We are going to put in new flooring (because it is ugly linoleum that is supposed to look like wood...yuck!) and we will paint the cabinets and add a new counter top and back splash. We are also doing all new appliances since the old ones are, it seems, as old as the house! We also want to add an island and a pass through window to open up the kitchen and dining room space. We'll probably add a few cabinets/maybe some kind of pantry.
Levi sitting in what will be his room. It is already painted blue! I won't put up pictures of the other bedrooms because they all look similar. They are all a great size and have the same carpet. They also have good closet space. There is also an upstairs bathroom that will be our project after the kitchen. It is functional but ugly/outdated. It is also on the small end of things but, I will take 4 large bedrooms over 3 smaller bedrooms and a big bath.
The basement. It is u
nfinished but in GREAT shape! The home inspector said it was a great space and that there are no cracks at all in the walls and no signs of water (which is great considering we just had a flood!) The ceilings are high and so this basement has great potential for being finished off. At some point, Dan will put up walls around the laundry area to create a laundry room and separate it from the rest of the basement which will hopefully be a fun hang out area!
Looking out the front door. Hopefully that sign will say SOLD soon!!!!!
Here is the front of the ho
use - complete with Levi playing on the driveway (waiting for the home inspector). Perhaps this house first captured my attention due to the white siding, black shutters, and red brick.....the exact same color scheme as my house growing up! haha.....They say we have a tendency to recreate our
past.... =)
The back of the house (looking from the side yard). We like the large patio. The part of the house the juts out is what
will hopefully be the "playroom." We also plan on taking out a lot of the over grown shrubs and we'll trim up the trees.
The view from the patio of the back yard. We LOVE it. It is a good size and totally flat (which will make mowing a snap!)
The front part of the living room.... we like the hard wood floors and the fire place.
The back part of the living room. And you can kind of see through
into the "play room" area.
The half bath that sits just off of the living room. It is small but I do believe it will serve its purpose well. =)
looking into the play room from the door way into the living room. The playroom window looks out onto the back yard. this room has carpet and built in cabinets and shelves. All I want to do here is paint!
The dining room. If you look at the front exterior of the house you will see two bow windows. One of the bow windows is in the living room and one is here in the dining room. Makes for great light (sorry some of the pictures are blurry...I was snapping them quickly).
Here is a shot of the Kitchen - our Big Project! We are going to put in new flooring (because it is ugly linoleum that is supposed to look like wood...yuck!) and we will paint the cabinets and add a new counter top and back splash. We are also doing all new appliances since the old ones are, it seems, as old as the house! We also want to add an island and a pass through window to open up the kitchen and dining room space. We'll probably add a few cabinets/maybe some kind of pantry.
Levi sitting in what will be his room. It is already painted blue! I won't put up pictures of the other bedrooms because they all look similar. They are all a great size and have the same carpet. They also have good closet space. There is also an upstairs bathroom that will be our project after the kitchen. It is functional but ugly/outdated. It is also on the small end of things but, I will take 4 large bedrooms over 3 smaller bedrooms and a big bath.The basement. It is u
nfinished but in GREAT shape! The home inspector said it was a great space and that there are no cracks at all in the walls and no signs of water (which is great considering we just had a flood!) The ceilings are high and so this basement has great potential for being finished off. At some point, Dan will put up walls around the laundry area to create a laundry room and separate it from the rest of the basement which will hopefully be a fun hang out area!
Looking out the front door. Hopefully that sign will say SOLD soon!!!!!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thanksgiving in August
I have thought a lot about my blog this summer. Yup, I thought of things I could be writing or pictures I could be posting. I gave it a lot of thought... Clearly, that is as far as I got. But Dan is now on vacation, so I have just a little time to sit down and post some thoughts and pictures on my much neglected page.
I have been thinking a lot about contentment lately - thinking about how one can be content in their circumstances but not fall into complacency. I never want to lose my drive to continue growing as a wife, mother, professional, etc... but I also don't want to feel like I am constantly striving for more - striving to have more, do better - at the expensive of ignoring the blessings right in front of me. I don't want to be greedy but I also want the best for my family and, let's face it, for myself. Is that being discontented? These are some things I have been mulling over these past several months.
I have decided that contentment is directly related to thanksgiving. No, not the holiday in November; rather, the conscious and continuous recognition of my blessings. I forget to be thankful. I forget that so much of what I have is not a necessity and I start living in an attitude of entitlement...that I some how "deserve" or "should have"
certain things. I deserve nothing. I am given everything. God has so much love for us that he showers us with blessings -- so many blessings that we become numb to them; we forget that they are blessings. And besides the fact that we become numb to our blessings, we also, as the Caedman's Call song suggests, "mistake our happiness for blessing." We think that, because we are not feeling happy or are going through a rough spot, we are somehow not blessed. Our feelings and God's blessings are not always related. Happiness does not equal blessing and sadness does not mean lack of blessing. I can have the worst day of my life and I am still blessed. And when I start remembering to be thankful - and stop feeling entitled....I am at peace; I am content. So this blog post is about my blessings - about the little moments and the things in my life that I do not deserve but have been gifted from a Savior who loves
me; who loves us.
Time with Daddy swimming in Mike and Denay's pool!
Hanging out with Grandpa Thrush
Baby music class...summer recital
A happy, healthy boy...such a blessing
Moments of play
old friends...and new friends! (welcome Jude Martin!!)
The joy of bath time
New experiences (Levi at his first ever birthday party...what a fun time!)
Being with Levi through all his highs and lows... =)
Summer days...
Wearing nothing but your birthday suit during a heat wave!
I have been thinking a lot about contentment lately - thinking about how one can be content in their circumstances but not fall into complacency. I never want to lose my drive to continue growing as a wife, mother, professional, etc... but I also don't want to feel like I am constantly striving for more - striving to have more, do better - at the expensive of ignoring the blessings right in front of me. I don't want to be greedy but I also want the best for my family and, let's face it, for myself. Is that being discontented? These are some things I have been mulling over these past several months.
I have decided that contentment is directly related to thanksgiving. No, not the holiday in November; rather, the conscious and continuous recognition of my blessings. I forget to be thankful. I forget that so much of what I have is not a necessity and I start living in an attitude of entitlement...that I some how "deserve" or "should have"
certain things. I deserve nothing. I am given everything. God has so much love for us that he showers us with blessings -- so many blessings that we become numb to them; we forget that they are blessings. And besides the fact that we become numb to our blessings, we also, as the Caedman's Call song suggests, "mistake our happiness for blessing." We think that, because we are not feeling happy or are going through a rough spot, we are somehow not blessed. Our feelings and God's blessings are not always related. Happiness does not equal blessing and sadness does not mean lack of blessing. I can have the worst day of my life and I am still blessed. And when I start remembering to be thankful - and stop feeling entitled....I am at peace; I am content. So this blog post is about my blessings - about the little moments and the things in my life that I do not deserve but have been gifted from a Savior who lovesme; who loves us.
Time with Daddy swimming in Mike and Denay's pool!
Hanging out with Grandpa Thrush
Baby music class...summer recital
A happy, healthy boy...such a blessing
Moments of play
old friends...and new friends! (welcome Jude Martin!!)
The joy of bath time
New experiences (Levi at his first ever birthday party...what a fun time!)
Being with Levi through all his highs and lows... =)
Summer days...
Wearing nothing but your birthday suit during a heat wave!
Monday, May 23, 2011
First Mother's Day
Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."
I love how this verse is just tucked into the Christmas story. In between giving birth and fleeing for her life, Mary treasured up those first moments with her baby. There are so many little things that I have been "treasuring up" -- the snuggle time we have while nursing, the gummy smile that he flashes when I walk into a room, the little baby chatter that I hear in the morning lightly floating out of the nursery... I treasure these things. I treasure Levi. I treasure being a mom. It is so hard sometimes, but I LOVE it. And I loved my first Mother's day. I didn't care so much about being thanked (although the card and picture frame from Dan and Levi were so great). I just found myself celebrating motherhood... I found myself reflecting on those things that I love about being a mommy...the things I have treasured up over the last several months. Our first Mother's Day as a family was made even more special by also being the day that Levi was dedicated at church. It was a day of celebrating motherhood....thanking God for the gift of motherhood, and ultimately giving God control of motherhood.
4 moms (me, my sister-in-law Sara, my mother-in-law DuAnne, and my mom Sue) We went to church together and then had a meal back at our house and enjoyed the amazing weather!
Levi loved hanging out with his Aunty Sara
Uncle Curt, cousin Ali, and cousin Sawyer all helped entertain Levi
I remember when this little lady was as tiny as Levi..... now she is 4.5!!
Grandma and Grandpa Wagner trying so hard to get a picture where all the kids look at the same camera... however, none of the kids cared to look at any camera in this shot
Levi loved having both grandmas around to play with him
(and spoil him, of course)
The Wagner Family...once a family of 4....now a family of 9!
The Thrush family (some of us)
Cousins
enjoying some mothers day cake...or as Sawyer calls it "CAAAAAAAAKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Levi at his dedication....love that little man!!!
I love how this verse is just tucked into the Christmas story. In between giving birth and fleeing for her life, Mary treasured up those first moments with her baby. There are so many little things that I have been "treasuring up" -- the snuggle time we have while nursing, the gummy smile that he flashes when I walk into a room, the little baby chatter that I hear in the morning lightly floating out of the nursery... I treasure these things. I treasure Levi. I treasure being a mom. It is so hard sometimes, but I LOVE it. And I loved my first Mother's day. I didn't care so much about being thanked (although the card and picture frame from Dan and Levi were so great). I just found myself celebrating motherhood... I found myself reflecting on those things that I love about being a mommy...the things I have treasured up over the last several months. Our first Mother's Day as a family was made even more special by also being the day that Levi was dedicated at church. It was a day of celebrating motherhood....thanking God for the gift of motherhood, and ultimately giving God control of motherhood.
4 moms (me, my sister-in-law Sara, my mother-in-law DuAnne, and my mom Sue) We went to church together and then had a meal back at our house and enjoyed the amazing weather!
Levi loved hanging out with his Aunty Sara
Uncle Curt, cousin Ali, and cousin Sawyer all helped entertain Levi
I remember when this little lady was as tiny as Levi..... now she is 4.5!!
Grandma and Grandpa Wagner trying so hard to get a picture where all the kids look at the same camera... however, none of the kids cared to look at any camera in this shot
Levi loved having both grandmas around to play with him
(and spoil him, of course)
The Wagner Family...once a family of 4....now a family of 9!
The Thrush family (some of us)
Cousins
enjoying some mothers day cake...or as Sawyer calls it "CAAAAAAAAKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Levi at his dedication....love that little man!!!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Levi's First Solids!
Levi had his first taste of real food today.
He had rice cereal and LOVED it!
Getting a little messy but having fun!
Levi has been watching us eat for a while now;
he seemed to know what a spoon was for!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Another Life...
I am just going to start this post with one amazing thought: It is April. I know that everyone says that time flies...but, really, it is April?? I am sitting on the couch with my legs propped up and the laptop humming softly - totally lost in the thought that it is April and we have an almost-5-month-old son. I mean, what life it this? I am a stay at home mom to the sweetest little boy with the cutest gummy smile. I live in a red brick house in Hershey and I now drive a mini van... again, what life is this? Just last year we were squeezed into a tiny apartment in Philadelphia while I worked full-time and Dan lived the life of a busy graduate student. My how quickly things change!
The biggest change of our lives happened in the wee hours of the morning on November 27, 2010. At 4:15am Levi Daniel Thrush made his appearance in the world. As I reflect back on that time, I have snippets of memory... I remember taking, oh, 10 hours to decide if I was in labor; then REALLY wanting to get to the hospital. I remember the looks on people's faces as I walked quickly through the hospital, up to the labor and deliver floor....they gave these half-smile, "knowing" looks. I remember how annoying it was to have to answer questions and sign my name while having contractions; I remember pacing the floor; and, oh, I remember the epidural! I remember settling into the bed and watching Dan eat his dinner. I remember apologizing to the nurse every time she walked into the room because we were watching episodes of 30 Rock on the TV and she had a knack for entering right around the time an off collar joke was used. I remember being told that it was time to push. I remember everyone saying "great job" after every push and getting pumped up...and me yelling at them to stop saying that unless the baby was ready to come out. I remember seeing Levi for the first time and saying "He is purple!" I remember a big man telling me that I had to get out of bed and try to walk. I remember being ticked off at him. I remember seeing Levi wrapped up so tight - his little face scrunched up as he slept. I remember being pushed in a wheel chair over to another room and kind of having fun with that... I remember pain. I remember the nurse who got me awesome pain killers. I remember some things I won't write about. I remember looking at the menu at the hospital and thinking "do sick people really want to eat beef stroganoff?" I remember writing in, "grilled cheese." I remember being so overwhelmed with love...and then with anxiety; "we have a baby?!?" I remember leaving the hospital and feeling like the whole world had stood still for three days while we were holed up in our room, a new little family. I remember leaving the hospital with my greatest pain, greatest accomplishment, and greatest love in my arms.
Since then life has been lived a day at a time - getting to know Levi and learning what it means to be a new mom (that is a whole other post). I had some difficulty in my recovery and with feedings at first; I often heard the phrase "this too shall pass" from others and from my own head. But I have also discovered that that phrase is bittersweet. "This too shall pass" is meant to be an encouragement during hard times but, for me, it has also become a reminder to savour every moment with Levi. He is only 4 and a half months old but already things have passed. He doesn't want to sleep all snuggled up to me for hours; he is too big for his teeny weeny outfits; he sometimes seems too busy to want to nurse... I LOVE the interactive, happy baby that he is now, but I recognize that every stage has its joys and I must try not to wish so hard for the next stage that I miss the wonders of the present. Dan and I are so blessed; we've stepped into a whole other life and it is so great. It has challenges, but it is good. I will try to write more now that things have settled. I feel like there are so many things to write about and share... but for now, I hear a little voice back in the nursery that is telling me it is time to stop blogging and change a diaper!
The biggest change of our lives happened in the wee hours of the morning on November 27, 2010. At 4:15am Levi Daniel Thrush made his appearance in the world. As I reflect back on that time, I have snippets of memory... I remember taking, oh, 10 hours to decide if I was in labor; then REALLY wanting to get to the hospital. I remember the looks on people's faces as I walked quickly through the hospital, up to the labor and deliver floor....they gave these half-smile, "knowing" looks. I remember how annoying it was to have to answer questions and sign my name while having contractions; I remember pacing the floor; and, oh, I remember the epidural! I remember settling into the bed and watching Dan eat his dinner. I remember apologizing to the nurse every time she walked into the room because we were watching episodes of 30 Rock on the TV and she had a knack for entering right around the time an off collar joke was used. I remember being told that it was time to push. I remember everyone saying "great job" after every push and getting pumped up...and me yelling at them to stop saying that unless the baby was ready to come out. I remember seeing Levi for the first time and saying "He is purple!" I remember a big man telling me that I had to get out of bed and try to walk. I remember being ticked off at him. I remember seeing Levi wrapped up so tight - his little face scrunched up as he slept. I remember being pushed in a wheel chair over to another room and kind of having fun with that... I remember pain. I remember the nurse who got me awesome pain killers. I remember some things I won't write about. I remember looking at the menu at the hospital and thinking "do sick people really want to eat beef stroganoff?" I remember writing in, "grilled cheese." I remember being so overwhelmed with love...and then with anxiety; "we have a baby?!?" I remember leaving the hospital and feeling like the whole world had stood still for three days while we were holed up in our room, a new little family. I remember leaving the hospital with my greatest pain, greatest accomplishment, and greatest love in my arms.
Since then life has been lived a day at a time - getting to know Levi and learning what it means to be a new mom (that is a whole other post). I had some difficulty in my recovery and with feedings at first; I often heard the phrase "this too shall pass" from others and from my own head. But I have also discovered that that phrase is bittersweet. "This too shall pass" is meant to be an encouragement during hard times but, for me, it has also become a reminder to savour every moment with Levi. He is only 4 and a half months old but already things have passed. He doesn't want to sleep all snuggled up to me for hours; he is too big for his teeny weeny outfits; he sometimes seems too busy to want to nurse... I LOVE the interactive, happy baby that he is now, but I recognize that every stage has its joys and I must try not to wish so hard for the next stage that I miss the wonders of the present. Dan and I are so blessed; we've stepped into a whole other life and it is so great. It has challenges, but it is good. I will try to write more now that things have settled. I feel like there are so many things to write about and share... but for now, I hear a little voice back in the nursery that is telling me it is time to stop blogging and change a diaper!
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