It is week 38 of the pregnancy; and I now officially understand why many women report feeling "ready" to go into labor. Prior to this time in my life, I wondered, "how could anyone be "ready" for intense pain?" Well, I guess the pain of labor is a price I am willing to pay to get this baby OUT of me and into my arms. However, as much as I am excited about seeing my toes again and walking without that weird late-pregnancy hip sway thing, I am the most excited about meeting our son! I can not wait to see what he looks like, touch his little fingers and toes, watch him sleep, and even hear him cry. (I will have to remember this in a few weeks at 3am). I am so amazed at how God has literally been knitting little Levi together inside of me - how far he has come in just 9 short months - and can't imagine going two more weeks without finally seeing him! What a miracle.
Of course this doesn't mean Dan and I are totally at ease with this whole situation. I mean, there is another person entering into our little family (whom, I might mention, we are solely responsible for) and it will definitely cause things to change! I could also write and write about all the things we could be worrying about right now....but that would be starting down a dangerous path. For now I have to remember that all parents are "new parents" at some point and make mistakes and, generally, learn as they go. For example, one of my greatest sources of comfort came from a scene on "Bethany Getting Married" (a show I am ashamed to recommend to anyone but secretly watch when it is on "E!"). Basically, in this reality show, there is a scene depicting Bethany and her husband bringing home their new baby....and they literally do not know how to get their baby out of the car. They struggle with the car seat base and finally have to call their nanny for help. As silly as this sounds, it just made me aware that, no matter how rich and famous someone is--no matter how savvy they are in business or how well educated they are etc -- babies are a mystery to be solved! My goal is not to try and be "super mom" - I am shooting for basically getting Levi to his first birthday with no major mishaps! And, hopefully, God will bless our parenting efforts and turn Levi into one heck of a little boy.
For now, we will keep waiting for Levi to make his appearance. We will keep preparing in the small ways we know how and keep praying that God works all things together for the good. My prayer is for a safe delivery and healthy baby; and also that we can get him out of the car when we get home!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
August Update
Well, it has been a while since I last made a post - mostly because it felt like I didn't have much to say. However, now that I am writing, I realize how much has happened over the summer. Dan and I are settled into life here in Hershey.
Dan is doing a wonderful job at the med center and is slowly feeling more confident in his duties and more assimilated into the team. I am so proud of him and feel blessed to be able to be at home during this time. I have realized that, given some time, I am very capable of keeping a house clean, cooking meals, and making sure there is food in the house (something that didn't always happen in Philly!!) I do think that life is best enjoyed at a pace quite a bit slower than what we were doing in Philly.
This is not to say that we do not miss Philadelphia. We do look back on our two years there with a smile on our face - thinking about our little apartment and all of our friends and church family. We are planning a visit soon and I look forward to catching up with people and worshiping at CVC.
We have slowly been developing a sense of community and friendship at our new church in Hershey - Hershey Evangelical Free Church. We made the tough decision not to go back to our old church in Harrisburg because we realized that worshiping within our own community was very important to us. We have been blessed to maintain our friendships from Devonshire while making new relationships at E-free.
My work situation has been interesting. I originally thought that I would go back to work part-time but quickly realized that it was not what God had for our family and that I needed to be more available for our son when he arrives this November. (In case you haven't heard yet, we are naming him Levi Daniel). However, this does not mean that I am stepping out of my field completely. It seems as though God has opened doors through our church for me to minister to the relational and emotional needs of others in a ministry type setting (and even get paid a tad for it!). I will work a few hours a week but mostly keep myself available to my family. Dan and I both feel a great sense of peace over how this has all worked out and know God is leading us in these decisions.
Levi is kicking me more these days and Dan has been able to feel him. We are 26 weeks along and have a doctor's appointment in two weeks along with an ultra sound to take another look at Levi's brain and development. It is so wonderful to feel him move around inside of me and I get so excited to meet him (but I worry a lot about it too!). However, I know that God has blessed us with this pregnancy for a reason and He will prepare us and give us strength to be parents. I have posted a picture of me and my belly at 21 weeks - I'll try to get an updated shot posted soon.
Friday, July 2, 2010
A Baby Boy and an Opportunity for Growth
Yesterday, Dan and I had the chance to see our baby kick and wiggle his way through an ultrasound at Abington's fetal diagnostic center. We are in the process of transitioning our care over to Hershey medical center, so this was our last doctor's visit in Philadelphia. Dan and I watched the screen closely as the ultrasound technician started at the top of our baby's head and moved her way downward--looking at every little part of his body. Dan and I laughed when we saw a "third leg" on the ultrasound and were able to tell that our baby was a boy before the technician gave us the "official" word. Our happiness died down just a bit when the technician left the room at the end of the ultrasound after telling us that she was going to bring the doctor in to talk to us. All of a sudden, I knew that she had seen something abnormal and that maybe there was something wrong with our baby. The doctor, a man whom I had never met before, entered the room and discussed with us a finding on the baby's brain - a "Choroid Plexus Cyst." The doctor told us that the ultrasound technician spotted the cyst while looking at the brain and went ahead and did a "level 2" ultrasound instead of just a "level 1" (something Dan and I weren't aware of). The doctor reassured us that the cyst in and of itself was not a problem at all - but that he had to talk to us about it because it is a "soft marker" for down syndrome. He said that everything else on the ultrasound was fine -- no other markers (like abnormal measurements, heart defects, kidney problems, etc). However, even when he gave us a 99.5% chance that our baby will not have down syndrome, I couldn't help feeling the worry wash over me as I fixated on the "half percent" chance that my baby would be born with special needs. Instead of seeing me as one of the 199 mothers who will give birth to a healthy baby, I started seeing myself as the one mother out of 200 that will have a baby with down syndrome. In my head I know that statistics are in my favor, but in my heart I can't help feeling anxious.
As I have been working through all this, I have thought some about the idea of faith. When I was in high school, I had a history teacher who would always remind us of the "opportunity" we had with every test and quiz that he would administer. We laughed each time he told us to take out our pencils and get ready for an "opportunity," but, really, what an interesting thought! With every test we had the chance to raise our grades, gain confidence in what we knew, and show the teacher our commitment and growth in the class. In one sense, every test, in every class, was leading us closer to graduation and acceptance into college! Our tests were not to be feared, but something to be anticipated because of the opportunities it offered us to continue on in our education and achieve the goals and dreams we all had before us. Now, I did not always embrace this idea of a test being an opportunity, but clearly it has left a mark on me because I am thinking about this lesson years later. It reminds me of the first chapter in James when the idea of "trails" or tests are being addressed as necessary for developing our faith and perseverance and, ultimately, our maturity:
James 1:2
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
The finding that there is a choroid Plexus Cyst on our little boy's brain has been a test on my faith right now--testing my belief that God is in control of this situation and will work this situation out for the good. But with this test of my faith comes opportunity for growth. I can have joy that, while I am not promised to walk through life without trials, I am given hope that the trials will strengthen me and help me mature in my relationship with God. My prayer, then, is that God will continue to strengthen my faith through this trial and use it as an opportunity for my growth--assuring me that He will work in this situation for our good and calm all our anxieties and fears.
Here is a Wikipedia entry on Choroid Plexus Cysts (I know, Wikipedia is totally not an "official" source for medial information....but it talks simply about the cysts and seems consistent with what the doctor said about the issue and with what I have been reading).
As I have been working through all this, I have thought some about the idea of faith. When I was in high school, I had a history teacher who would always remind us of the "opportunity" we had with every test and quiz that he would administer. We laughed each time he told us to take out our pencils and get ready for an "opportunity," but, really, what an interesting thought! With every test we had the chance to raise our grades, gain confidence in what we knew, and show the teacher our commitment and growth in the class. In one sense, every test, in every class, was leading us closer to graduation and acceptance into college! Our tests were not to be feared, but something to be anticipated because of the opportunities it offered us to continue on in our education and achieve the goals and dreams we all had before us. Now, I did not always embrace this idea of a test being an opportunity, but clearly it has left a mark on me because I am thinking about this lesson years later. It reminds me of the first chapter in James when the idea of "trails" or tests are being addressed as necessary for developing our faith and perseverance and, ultimately, our maturity:
James 1:2
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
The finding that there is a choroid Plexus Cyst on our little boy's brain has been a test on my faith right now--testing my belief that God is in control of this situation and will work this situation out for the good. But with this test of my faith comes opportunity for growth. I can have joy that, while I am not promised to walk through life without trials, I am given hope that the trials will strengthen me and help me mature in my relationship with God. My prayer, then, is that God will continue to strengthen my faith through this trial and use it as an opportunity for my growth--assuring me that He will work in this situation for our good and calm all our anxieties and fears.
Here is a Wikipedia entry on Choroid Plexus Cysts (I know, Wikipedia is totally not an "official" source for medial information....but it talks simply about the cysts and seems consistent with what the doctor said about the issue and with what I have been reading).
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Pictures of the house!
Here is the front of the house. We still have bushes to trim but, at least we got the lawn mowed! Notice the awesome car port that I get to park in!! It is a little different than the on street parking I got used to over the past four years! (oh, and there is a detached garage so don't feel too bad for Dan...he's got his spot too!)
Monday, June 21, 2010
A New House and Thinking About My Home
Dan and I arrived safely in Hershey (well, technically Hummelstown) last Wednesday evening and are happy to report that the move went well--with only two broken dishes. Since then, we have been consumed with the mission to rid our living space of cardboard boxes and to turn this building into our new home.
Even though there have been a few moments where I miss our tiny apartment in Philadelphia, I have to say that I love this new place. Our house sits on a quiet road where the loudest noises are birds chirping and neighbor dogs howling. This is a bit of a change from East Willow Grove Ave! The house also has a large yard, spots to plant flowers, a driveway, and a mailbox. I am especially excited about the latter two seeing as how Dan and I have had "on street parking" for most of our marriage and that, for the past two years, our mail would only sporadically arrive in the correct mailbox due to the number of apartments in the building. So, the ability to walk to the end of our driveway and find our mail, in our box, on a daily basis is quite the luxury! The inside of our house is also refreshing - a Kitchen with a pantry and plenty of counter space; a dining room able to fit a table that sits more than four people; a giant living room (in our standards); three bedrooms; a bathroom with an actual linen closet; and a full basement for storage and, yes, laundry!! Gone are the days of walking outside the house to get to the basement laundry room!!!
But even though we LOVE this new house, I can tell that it may take me a while to feel like we are home. Home, on earth, is place that is familiar, a place with memories, a place with relationships and the support of others, a place where you feel connected in many ways...this process of making a home will continue long after the cardboard boxes are unpacked and the flowers planted. But I know that this feeling of being home will eventually come because I believe that God has called us to make our home here for the time being. Yet, how funny it is that "home" can switch from place to place depending on the times and circumstances of our lives. It is never a fixed point--like on a game board--rather, it is rarely permanent. We can pack up, move cities, states or even countries away and forge new homes because there is a fixed point somewhere else--another home that we are tied to and called to walk towards. Our feeling of being home at a location here on earth is just a taste of what true home is and will never satisfy all our longings for connection and stability. Dan and I are building an earthly home here, for now, and I pray that we find that we are blessed with happy memories, relationships, and overall connections to this place. But, I also know that this is a point on a journey, on a walk; I can not have the expectation that this will satisfy all my longings for home because this isn't the home I was created for...it is the home I have been given for now - a home with Dan and a baby on the way and a house that I really, really like!!
(oh...and pictures are on the way!!)
Even though there have been a few moments where I miss our tiny apartment in Philadelphia, I have to say that I love this new place. Our house sits on a quiet road where the loudest noises are birds chirping and neighbor dogs howling. This is a bit of a change from East Willow Grove Ave! The house also has a large yard, spots to plant flowers, a driveway, and a mailbox. I am especially excited about the latter two seeing as how Dan and I have had "on street parking" for most of our marriage and that, for the past two years, our mail would only sporadically arrive in the correct mailbox due to the number of apartments in the building. So, the ability to walk to the end of our driveway and find our mail, in our box, on a daily basis is quite the luxury! The inside of our house is also refreshing - a Kitchen with a pantry and plenty of counter space; a dining room able to fit a table that sits more than four people; a giant living room (in our standards); three bedrooms; a bathroom with an actual linen closet; and a full basement for storage and, yes, laundry!! Gone are the days of walking outside the house to get to the basement laundry room!!!
But even though we LOVE this new house, I can tell that it may take me a while to feel like we are home. Home, on earth, is place that is familiar, a place with memories, a place with relationships and the support of others, a place where you feel connected in many ways...this process of making a home will continue long after the cardboard boxes are unpacked and the flowers planted. But I know that this feeling of being home will eventually come because I believe that God has called us to make our home here for the time being. Yet, how funny it is that "home" can switch from place to place depending on the times and circumstances of our lives. It is never a fixed point--like on a game board--rather, it is rarely permanent. We can pack up, move cities, states or even countries away and forge new homes because there is a fixed point somewhere else--another home that we are tied to and called to walk towards. Our feeling of being home at a location here on earth is just a taste of what true home is and will never satisfy all our longings for connection and stability. Dan and I are building an earthly home here, for now, and I pray that we find that we are blessed with happy memories, relationships, and overall connections to this place. But, I also know that this is a point on a journey, on a walk; I can not have the expectation that this will satisfy all my longings for home because this isn't the home I was created for...it is the home I have been given for now - a home with Dan and a baby on the way and a house that I really, really like!!
(oh...and pictures are on the way!!)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
A bend in the road
I am obviously not an avid blogger yet - seeing as how my last post was almost exactly one month ago. But, at the same time, this month has been busy with so many endings and preparations for new beginnings. Dan graduated from his program on May 20th, 2010 with honors. I can not even express the joy I felt watching him receive his diploma. A sense of relief washed over me as a weight lifted off my shoulders--a weight that I guess I had learned to live with because it surprised me when it came off. All of a sudden I realized that Dan would be done writing papers, done studying til the wee hours of the morning, done being consumed with the non-stop pressures of a program that never allowed a moment's break...and able to finally practice (and get paid for) the discipline that he is so passionate about. I am so proud of the work he has done and so thankful to have a Lord who never sleeps; rather, He takes all our burdens and brings us through the tough times....and these two years have definitely been "stretching" years in so many ways.
I have also ended my time at Interac as a contractor in the Children's outpatient department because we are moving (tomorrow actually) to Hershey so that Dan can start his new job. This has meant a change in work for me. I had to say goodbye to so many families who have let me into the most intimate parts of their lives. I know that I will wonder about some of these children forever - wonder whether they ever finished school; wonder whether they ever find true support and experience genuine love; wonder whether they ever understand how much they are loved and valued by God.... I have had to learn to trust God to save and protect these families and children -- it is not something I could do myself - even if I were to stay.
So Dan and I have packed up the apartment (with a ton of help from my parents) and we are waiting to make the move to Hershey. I have said so many goodbyes but have also left many unsaid. I am so sad to leave Philadelphia because it has been good to us; our church family has been especially good to us. Dan and I still talk about God's faithfulness in bringing us to this little part of Philadelphia and to this family of believers. Yet, instead of finding it easier to trust God to lead us again into a new place, I find myself worried that maybe God won't make it so blatantly clear and easy again because that would be, well, too good to be true. It is sort of like when I was a kid and I would ask my dad on a Sunday afternoon to go to a friend's house (after having had a friend over the day before) and he would tell me, "no, you have had enough fun this weekend." We used to joke about his "fun quota." I mean, I understand his point - you can't let your kids just go from activity to activity without any limits, but in a way, I tend to view God like that - like He will look at Dan and I say, "well, you have been really blessed these past two years, I think I am gonna put the brakes on these blessings and let you figure some things out for yourself right now...you've had enough fun and been happy for long enough." But I have read nothing about this sort of God in scripture and He has done nothing in my life to give any sort of validity to my worry. So, at this HUGE bend in the road, I do what scripture tells me to do...I must "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding...in all my ways acknowledge Him, and He will make my path straight."
Friday, May 14, 2010
Walking
Dan and I have been on a walk together since we started dating in the summer of 2004. The idea that we are "walking together" was addressed during our wedding in May of 2006 when Pastor Todd described our life as "a walk home." Dan and I are going through life with the knowledge that our destination is heaven and that, together, we can spur one another on in this journey and enjoy the blessings that God has for us on earth. Our walk has been an adventure so far - traveling the world, going through graduate school, supporting one another through new/old jobs, moving to a big city, developing wonderful friendships. And now, we are getting ready for another part of our journey - the journey into parenthood!! (and the part of our life with neither of us are in school!) We couldn't be more excited or more terrified! But one thing has been for sure, we have never walked alone - God has poured out his blessing on us time and time again and we walk with Him as our guide. The psalmist wrote about God's leadership in this walk in Psalm 23 saying
"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
He leads me beside still waters.
3He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
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